tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54309174082128351862024-02-20T19:26:15.698+01:00Metis Meets Mittingtonwords of wisdom from a man who's been aroundAlfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.comBlogger252125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-51373515989353294072018-10-31T09:46:00.000+01:002018-10-31T09:46:51.943+01:00Of Authors, Editors and Minor Changes to the Ms<br />
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<span lang="EN-GB"> <i>For Barrie Mencher, in amibilitis<span class="MsoFootnoteReference" style="vertical-align: super;"></span> aeternibus (1)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">It is a public secret… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Everybody knows…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So let me just whisper into your ear…: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-GB">Authors don’t know how to write! <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Authors are, as a ghost writer of genius once observed, ‘<i>illiterate baboons’</i>. They are forever using big bombastic words which no one understands, and weave those into interminable sentences which nobody has time to read. They talk of stuff ordinary folks don’t care for, and say it in such a way that no normal person can catch the drift. Their books are full of sick jokes, and suspect politics, and sex, and drugs, and atonal jazz. They are forever being creative with punctuation, and on top of it all: they don’t know how to <i>spell</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Fortunately, publishers – in their infinite wisdom – have found a solution to this problem. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The <i>Editor</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The Editor has a most responsible job. It is her task to – … ‘Xcuse me? Why - yes: <i>her</i>. You see, the Editor is nearly always a highly educated young woman in her late 20s. Unless, of course, the publisher runs a <i>really</i>shoddy outfit, in which case the job goes to some burnt-out male desk-slave in his terminal 50s. It is <i>her</i>task, then, to coach the author through the thorny process of preparing his manuscript for publication, by means of mild suggestions, subtle hints, positive criticism and minor adjustments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">And this is not an easy task, dear reader! Far from it! Fortunately, Tiffany comes well prepared. She has done-... What’s that again?? Why, yes: <i>Tiffany</i>. You see: all lady editors are called <i>Tiffany</i>, even if that ain’t the name they scribble onto the dotted line. Just like they’re always called something like <i>Linus</i>when they’re that lamentable middle-aged male, or better said: when they’re not altogether gelded. (2) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So as I said: fortunately, Tiffany comes well prepared. She has successfully followed the entire course of Creative Writing at the Ogilvy Training School for Higher Advertisement, and she has read just about everything which the American Board of Mass Communication has published on the subject of <i>style</i>. All three brochures of it. And she agrees with each of them, even though the brochures themselves differ wildly on what correct style really is and… Oh, but let’s not linger with such tedious matters...! Let’s just stick to Tiffany.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> Tiffany knows what <i>Goes</i>and what <i>No-Goes</i>. The <i>don’t</i>’s and the <i>do</i>’s. What is done and what is definitely <i>not done</i>. Simple as that. Piece of cake. No rocket science about it. The ‘<i>No-Goes</i>’ include, for instance, a double adjective to a lone, single noun. Not done, that one! Not done! It is lengthy and cumbersome and people get confused! Another unacceptability is words of more than three syllables. Out of the question! Tires the eyes! Wears out the lips! And sentences that run longer than 12 words. And scientific phraseology, except such household notions like <i>Relativity Theory</i>and <i>Cogito Ergo Sun. </i>And then there’s the commas. Commas in a text are like cayenne pepper in a stew: a few specks enhance the flavour; a spoonful spoils the brew. So chop back them commas and iron out the spice! And so on, and so forth. Tiffany’s arsenal of editorial devices contains a long time-proven list of Manifest Truths, lifted from the Ogilvy & Mather Handbook of Fine Writing. She is, in short, a <i>Professional</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> The hardest part of Tiffany’s task, however, is to lure her authors away from their most unbearable inclination: their urge to be <i>original</i>. ‘Original? Nobody <i>buys</i>Original!’ she keeps telling them. It just doesn’t DO to burden your readers with the need to think outside the box! If people wished to <i>think</i>they wouldn’t buy a book, would they? They’d join a support group! Tiffany has reduced this golden tenet to ‘The Three O’s’: ‘Originality is Overdone and Awful!’ Repeat that oft enough in an author’s hearing, and you may in the long run gain his ear. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> Naturally, authors are not always <i>enthusiastic</i>about Tiffany’s suggestions. (For authors, apart from being terrible stylists and worse spellers, also tend to be a most obstinate and headstrong breed.) They rarely bow gracefully to Tiffany’s suggestions. No, what am I saying? They usually fight tooth and nail to maintain those incomprehensible vocabularies and their outlandish ideas! As one of them wordmongers once put it (when she was really only replacing his commas with full stops): ‘You might as well chop the fingers off my baby as rip the punctuation out of my brain-child!’ – Haha, how funny! If only he had not used that bizarre word ‘punctuation’ that sentence might have gone into his book! <span style="color: red;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Oh, the push-and-pull, the give-and-take, the tug-of-war between her and those spoiled little toddlers in turtlenecks is terrible! But Tiffany knows how to handle them. You see: <i>they</i>are here for the first time; but <i>she’s</i>been there and done that a million times before. What’s more: they need her and she don’t need them. She does the publishing and they do the wanna-be-published (you see: <i>published</i>authors, <i>famous</i>authors, <i>do</i>know how to write. That’s why they do not need no editors. In fact, Tiffany has never met a famous author in her entire career.) And so, in the course of that long tussle of preparing a manuscript for the press, there always comes that precious Time of Truth when she drops the sugar-candied phrase: <i>Take it or leave it, bud!</i>And then she wins. Either she gets her way, or the dyslexic ape scurries out the door. And what if he does? There’s a whole other bevy up the banana-tree where he came from! And he’s aware of it. So usually, once that cruel, but fair wrestling match has been satisfactorily settled, she’s got herself a docile author and then she can finally get to business. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">But to reach that point you gotta trot carefully. You gotta lead them slowly to their own perdition, preferably by the nose. No storm-trooper tactics here. No frontal assault. No: the velvet glove, the gentle prodding. Tiffany is good at that. <i>Very</i>good. First she’ll wave them into her office, if possible at one of those low-blood-sugar-moments of the early morning when their defences are low. Then she’ll seat them in the squeaky swivel chair facing the big bright penthouse window right behind her. And then she-… Oh, but what am I doing? Why <i>describe</i>it all at such tedious lengths? Let’s just take a peep through the keyhole here and see Tiffany at work!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Look: here comes one of her aspiring new authors, a guy she’s invited for a first ‘session’. A mister-… Now lemme see, where’s that flash-card…? Ah yes: a Mr<i>Bard</i>. Elderly gentleman, Mr Bard. Weathered face, full mane of silver hair, wrinkles all over the mug and balding at the temples. No beauty contest hopeful. But he looks, you know, <i>wise</i>if you get him under the right spotlights. Walks with a cane and enters with a boy on his arm. Grandchild I suppose – or perhaps something more <i>romantic</i>? Better hope not. Can’t go around publishing child-molesters nowadays, can you? Not unless you’re willing to settle for a one time hit on the crest of a scandal… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Tiffany has a sharp eye for her authors. She reads ‘m at a glance. Mr. Bard, she knows right away, has been scribbling all his life. Never submitted anything anywhere (too self-conscious), but he’s read his <i>Magnum Opus</i>to friends and family time and again, until they puked. And now the Big Moment has arrived. His Finest Hour. His Final Shot At Fame. He has handed in his manuscript. And comes to hear that he’s a genius. Oh well, we’ll see about that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> Mister Bard! What a <i>pleasure</i>to meet you! Do take a seat! Yes, that one there. How’s the missus? Ah? Still single? And here I thought… Oh well, never mind. Light’s not bothering you, is it? Ah, no, of course not. How silly of me. Sorry. Slip of the tongue. You see, I don’t usually mix with the visually handicapped. The writing may be brilliant, but if it’s in <i>braille</i>it don’t shine brightly… You see what I mean, don’t you? <i>Wowie there</i>, young man!! <i>Not</i>on the armrest if you please! As a matter of fact: not anywhere near us at all! Go play in the corner, will ye? Granddad and the tall lady got business to discuss. Grown-ups only. You won’t disturb us, will ye now? Good! Remember: kids should be seen, not heard! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Now then, mister Bard, let’s get to business. We both know Time is Money. Your manuscript. I read it. What am I saying? I read it twice! Yes! It took me most of the lunch-hour, but it sure was worth the sacrifice. No, don’t look surprised, Mr Bard: I am desperately dedicated to my authors! And let me tell you straight away that I can <i>really</i>relate to it. Yes! It <i>really</i>has potential. <i>Very</i>promising, I’m telling you – even if saying so does weaken my negotiating position, haha! It just needs a <i>few</i><i>minor adjustments</i>. Some tiny little changes here and there, to bring it up to the standards of modern publishing and make it, well, you know, a little more <i>accessible</i>to today’s reader…? Unpleasant business, mister Bard. I’m the first to admit it. But it can’t be helped. The public is no longer, well, the devourers of books they once were, see? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Like what? Well, take the <i>format</i>for instance…. Now, I’m sorry to bring out the heavy guns this early in the game. But really, mister Bard… <i>VERSE</i>?? In <i>this</i>age and place? And not just a haiku here and there, or the odd limerick… but <i>feature-film length</i>? That’s really <i>not</i><i>done</i>no more, mister Bard. It’s, well, a little <i>jaded</i>, really. <i>Passé</i>. You know: yesterday’s news? Last autumn’s catwalk? No, no, no! Don’t get me wrong! I love it! I truly do. And so masterly done too! In hectometres no less! But today’s public can’t handle reading lengthy rhymes no more… Today’s <i>paying</i>public, I mean. Customers who throw the dough into our oven. And we must keep an eye out for our customers, mustn’t we, mister Bard? After all, it’s them who rock the gravy boat! And all <i>we</i>can do is board it when it floats along!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So we’ll <i>really</i>have to address that. We can leave in a few of the better lines – you know: give the whole thing an <i>artistic</i>touch…? But the rest must definitely be turned into nice, straight, digestible prose. I’ve got my people for that. You’d be ’stounded what they can do. True professionals! Give’m a chance and they’ll turn the Yellow Pages into a page-turner, I always say! I’m sure you’ll be <i>e-la-ted</i>once you see the results! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">That’s settled then. Oh, I’m <i>so glad</i>we’re seeing eye to eye on these little matters, mister Bard. If you knew the hell I sometimes get to make a writer see some sense! It’s hell, I tell you! Much better to give and take, won’t you say? Now then, since we’re back in prose where we shouddabeen in the first place, let’s run through the rest. The plot. Nothing wrong with the plot! Tough guy returns from his tour of duty, finds his home sweet home menaced by a bunch of scumbags, gathers his buddies together, takes manly action to defend his family; <i>a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do</i>… Why, that can’t be improved ’pon, mister Bard! Real men, true family values, chase, shoot-out, happy end! People love that. <i>Hollywood</i>loves it! And what’s good for Hollywood is good for the money-tree, right? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Only - now that we happen to stumble upon the family values… That lady that your hero spends so much time with, out on the tropical island far away from home sweet home… What’s her name again? Yeah, <i>her</i>, thank you. Don’t get me wrong, mister Bard: I like her. I truly do. Nice, sexy young gal. Independent means. Self-sufficient modern woman. Nothing wrong with that this age and place. But…. She <i>is</i>a bit of a home-breaker, don’t you agree? A <i>gold-digger</i>, even…? That really ain’t good, mister Bard. Family values are the Alpha and the Omaha nowadays. Unless, of course, she repents later and joins Mama Teresa or something – but I don’t see that happening in your novel, do I? Now, if she were to be, say, some bitchy <i>Communist Commissar</i>… An <i>evil</i>dame, who <i>abuses</i>our hero, against his will and resistance… <i>Then</i>we’d be talking, mister Bard! That we can get away with! And then of course the <i>juicy</i>bits can remain… Nothing wrong with a bitta titilla-…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">What’s that? Commies didn’t <i>exist</i>at the time? Well, no, I guess they didn’t… But now that you mention it, that’s one other little thing we’d better fix… The <i>time frame</i>… The time frame and the setting. That’s all a bit of a bitch, really, <i>excusez my French</i>! Alright, I understand: for someone of <i>your</i>age and experience - those of us who’ve seen World War II, I mean - the Mediterranean must be a very dear little sea. But most <i>normal</i>folk don’t associate it with war no more, see? You tell ‘m: ‘Mediterranean’, and they start musing of blue waters and cocktails on the promenade and girls in monokinis… Well, no, not the <i>whole</i>Med, naturally. Don’t I know it? There’s still the odd trouble spot here and there. And if you come from there yourself, I can imagine you feel differently. You Jewish, mister Bard? <i>Greek</i>, are you? Why, I never would’ve guessed... (<i>See</i>? she thinks to herself. Bet you that kid ain’t no family. No wonder he won’t sit down!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> But anyway… We’ll have to make a little adjustment of place and scenery. No funny Turkish cities you can’t find on a map or coastlines on the wrong end of the mainland… How about we bring it a little closer to our readers’ own living-space, Homer? - You don’t mind me calling you Homer, do you? You see, I like to be <i>close</i>to my authors if we’re going to work so closely together. Trust, it’s called. You call me Tiff if you will. Tiff is for friends. Never Tiffy, if you please. Just Tiff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> Now then, Homer: what would you say to South East Asia? The good ol’ Vietnam War? Still exotic, but praise the Lord: people know where it <i>lays</i>. Recent enough to remember but sufficiently Ago for nobody to take offense. For we gotta trot carefully here, Homer! Political sensibilities are poison to the sales figures. Can’t go and set the whole thing in, why, Iraq or some such place. Too fresh. Too hot. Yeah, I know some like it hot, but me I prefer my <i>carne con chilly</i>, haha. How do you mean you need an ageless setting? That may work for the likes a you, but how many reading old-timers are there left in the world? D’ you know what the average age of the book buyer is, Homer? Twenty-one and dropping! Will you believe it, but it is. Once they’re out of college they never open another book in their lives! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> And talking about appealing to the young: this Odysseus of yours… I’m sorry, but I find him, well… a bit of a <i>Nobody</i>really. I mean… Here he goes around chatting a little and cheating a bundle… But that’s purdy <i>lean</i>for a man of action, ain’t it? I mean: what <i>is</i>he altogether? A two-bit con-man or something? Lies through his teeth, tricks everyone around, cheats on the old lady, leaves his whole outfit out in the lurch and goes home alone… He’s not exactly your prototype of a role model, is he? Pretty odious really! ‘Xcuse me? A <i>King</i>? Sure… But of <i>what</i>, Homer? A teeny-weeny two-bit island not half the size of Manhattan… We are not impressed! And in any case that royalty business will have to shoo. Sorry, can’t have a king. Already told you: no politics. Not since this Lewinsky business hit us right in the mouth… We’re in publishing, I always say: we don’t drop to our knees for the Powers That Bees – sorry, small personal joke. Speaking of which, did you hear the latest they tell about those two up on the Hill? Here’s Bill and Monica summoned before the Senate to justify their character issue, see? And he defends himself saying: Yes, but I didn’t <i>inhale</i>. And then <i>she</i>goes: Yes, but I didn’t <i>swallow</i>…! You don’t get it… He goes--… Never mind. Stuff that ain’t up your alley. Hmmph. Okay. Let’s just get back to your Odysseus then. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">How about we make him a super-cop? A police-commissioner? Special Forces guy. Wouldn’t that be more… well, <i>democratic</i>? What’s that? You’d prefer<i>whom</i>? <i>Pi-si-stra-tus</i>? Never heard of him. Is that some kind of Ross Perot from where you come from, Homer? No no: let’s run with that a little. Because – now that you mention it - I do still have a small problem up my sleeve here. The <i>names</i>, Homer! The <i>names</i>! Nobody can pronounce ‘m! <i>Te-le-ma-chus</i>? <i>A-ga-men-mon</i>? What sort-a names are those? They sound like computer programmes! What sane parent ever calls their kids <i>Laertes</i>? We gotta rationalize here, my old friend, starting with the fellow himself. How about Bill…? Hmm, true, a little too much of a good thing. Hank! That’s it! Hank! Short but just odd enough to stick. Hank it is. What else? <i>Pe-ne-lo-pe</i>…. That’s easy. We turn her into Penny… And it won’t cost us a dime, haha! <i>Te-leh-maccus</i>… That’s a piece of cake too. We make that Tilly. Tilly, yes – well, that’s one more little thing. Grown boys don’t appeal to the heart, Homer. If you wanna make the public open their purses, you need a girl. A young one. You know: blond, innocent, 12-years old. How so impossible? Yayayayeah, I know… Gone 20 years, no way he could have gotten cozy with the old lady… But something’s gotta give, Homer… So we’ll shorten the time-frame some. Make it months instead of years, okay? A tour of duty and then some. More realistic anyway. What sane woman waits twenty years for hubby to come home? Not even a dog-…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-GB">THE DOG</span></i><span lang="EN-GB">! I <i>love</i>the dog! The faithful house pet who cruelly dies, always good for a tear-jerker. Of course the name stinks. Argos! Oh, will you <i>pleeeaaaaase</i>…! Blacky’ll do. Or Duke. Something suburbia can relate to. How about Hector? What’s that? <i>Confusing</i>? With what? Aaah… Right! But – do correct me if I’m wrong here, Homer: that’s from your <i>other</i>book, ain’t it? The sequel? The one you’d like to publish <i>next</i>? Yeah yeah yah yah… But that’s <i>supposing</i>you publish this one first, isn’t it? And we ain’t there yet, my friend...! We have waaays to go before we can cut that Gordian nut one way or another. Looong ways to go. And look what time it is! If you don’t mind, I’d like to run through the gauntlet a little faster here? Time is money, and we can’t discuss every snail’s tail with the salt-shaker. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So lemme see. Right. Here. Those suitors threatening the poor family… As I said: that’s fine. But 40 of them all at once? Ain’t that overkill? We ain’t in Ali Baba land, are we? So we gotta chop that back to something reasonable. Two will do, really. Okay, I give you three if you insist, but then they gotta be ethnic. Sorry about that. I’m as politically correct as the next guy, but suburbia is suburbia, and them housin’ project high school drop-outs don’t read. Adapt to your audience, I always say. So: three coloured psychos, and we’re in business. Just enough to be scary; not too much for any family father to take on with his bare hands and an MI-16… Oh, and you don’t mind me sounding out Arnold for the feature movie, do you? He’s great at this kinda thing. An illiterate <i>what</i>? Oh, I wouldn’t know about that, Homer. I’m pretty sure he can read. Just the other day I saw him leafing through a book as thick as his arm. Something about a campsite, can that be? Oh, whatever… Fine guy, Arnold. One more great Austrian of our age. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Next. Them Sirens… I don’t know…. Same trouble as that Calypso of yours – but here at least he puts up a little resistance. Even so, Homer: they do look like perfect hookers, don’t they? And <i>singing</i>no less. With harps...! Who ever comes up with such a thing? If it were to stay we could rename that bit, you know? The <i>March of the Street-Walkuries</i>or somethin’? Must say you sure have a head for kinky fantasies on those grey old shoulders. And – if you don’t mind me saying so – for the more sordid sides of life as well. Here: a visit to Hell. A little bizarre, wouldn’t you say? Occult stuff? Witchery? No way José! Prison camp is the best I can do for you. And another one again: drugs no less! Hank mingling <i>on an affable basis</i>with lotus eaters! Forget it! Can’t have your hero sympathize with the Devil. I mean: can you <i>imagine</i>the DEA reading something like… Where did I have it? Yeah, here… Jackpot… Chapter 9… Lemme read it to you…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">No? What? No need? You know the whole thing <i>by heart</i>? What the heck for? Yeah, blind - so? Doesn’t little Ganymite here know how to put it on a page for you? Oh, and there we go again with that tiresome self-pity we poor editors always get spooned onto our desk! I get so tired of that, you know? The world’s done me wrong, so now it’s gotta read my blubberings; and will Miss Tiffy kindly pick up the tab? Fat chance, bro! Fat chance! Lemme spell it out to you, since you cannot write yourself…. Just because you’re <i>BLIND</i>doesn’t mean you can just march in here claiming affirmative action, you know? I’m not going to publish you out of pity, see? It just don’t work that way. Not in my book. This is publishing, hon; not a charity event. So either you behave like a decent human being or there’s the door! Am I making myself clear? You can <i>take it or leave it</i>, mister Bard! What’ll it be…? Tell me: <i>what - will - it - be</i>…?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> Ah, show me the budding author who, on the threshold of publication - no matter how <i>undignified</i>– will not deceive himself with the vain and empty hope that, once fame is his, he may still publish his book the way he really wrote it… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> And so old Homer <i>Takes It</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"> Six months later, just in time for the Christmas Season, Homer Bard’s first full-length novel surfaces on the book stands of airports and bus stations. It is an action novel full of family values, titled <i>ODC </i>(i.e. <i>Operation Domestic Care</i>), in which our hero Hank, a former Navy Seal, comes home after a double tour-of-duty in ‘Nam. Back in Pittsburg he finds his suburban neighbourhood terrorised by drug-dealers. Three of them: a Negro, a Spic and a Chink, have squatted the garage of his split-level condo and are running a narcotics racket from there. His poor wife Penny and his innocent, nubile young daughter Tilly have been constantly harassed and nearly raped by these three scumbags. He finds his beloved dog Hector dead on a five-inch chain. Overcome by grief, Hank faints. He slips into hallucination. In a flash-back we learn of his past experiences in the Cambodian jungle. How he and his patrol ran into an ambush organised by an eye-patch wearing VC marine coronel, who was disguised as a simple shepherd. They manfully fight their way out, but escaping over the river in a Swift Boat, they suddenly find themselves surrounded by howling sirens in the middle of the night. The sluice gates behind them shut with a bang; the current suddenly sweeps the boat off course and wrecks it on a riverbank where Charlie is waiting. They are captured and interned in a CRC (i.e. a <i>Communist Re-education Camp</i>), where Hank gets interrogated sado-masochistically by a lush, blond, lesbian Soviet Commissar, who treats all men like the male chauvinist pigs which they are according to her Marxist-Leninist Feminism. By disguising himself in a stolen Hermès suit, Hank manages to escape to the nearest US army base, but… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Oh well, I’m sure you can all fill in the rest of it for yourselves…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><u><span lang="EN-GB">NOTES<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">(1) <b>Editor’s note</b>: this awful dog-Latin dedication is aimed at Dr. M.B. Mencher, the Norwich author, academic and educator, who was one of Mittington’s most pitiless critics. Once, during a book presentation which both gentlemen unfortunately attended, mister Mencher told Mittington to his face: ‘Alfred, you are a two-faced snake! I never know whether to laugh <i>with</i>you or <i>at</i>you!’ Ever after, Mittington, who never forgave a man a compliment, cherished this slur with delight and maintained that ‘this Mencher fellow is the only guy who understands me’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">(2) <b>Editor’s Note</b>: as the reader surely understands, this slur of Mittington’s was aimed at Yours Truly - Linus N. Pursebarry, editor of the Collected Mittington Papers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">(3) <b>Editor’s Note</b>: this utterly obscure reference is probably to ‘Acgua Toffana’, a famous medieval poison of proven efficacy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-60626268428143089202016-12-27T10:11:00.001+01:002016-12-27T10:11:46.862+01:00Golden Quotebook: Zimbabwean Inflation<br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Oh, this one is really too good not
to quote it. Writing about the hyperinflation that struck Zimbabwe in recent
years, Ms Olivia Archdeacon tells the following anecdote in her article ‘China
buys its first African colony for a meagre $40 million’ (CapX, January 2016):<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">‘After years of hyperinflation (peaking at 79.6 sextillion per cent) the
Zimbabwean dollar had become virtually worthless. 250 trillion Zimbabwe dollars
was worth just 1$. To illustrate: one local woman took her wheelbarrow to the
bank (…) in order to carry the amount of bills she would need to purchase
anything. On her way back to her car she was robbed. Two young men seized the
wheelbarrow, emptied the cash at her feet, and ran off with the wheelbarrow.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Hilarious, if it weren’t so very sad
at the same time…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-27457870892713252342016-11-21T10:37:00.000+01:002016-11-21T10:37:58.343+01:00Mayo Label Collection: Israel<br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Today’s post elaborates on Israeli
Mayonnaise, Russian roots, and <i>Kasher</i>
dangers.</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Is1.
Lina. Israel, March 2015. 430 gr.; 10.5 shekels (€ 2.50).<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45J8NraBi_UaYn_Zmh4PS4Up1SrXyPQCIdIOinGJfKuWrk-8diWD1R3NM6h4S9KWLjVq5G6s-tV-Wx_anEqJkuwPZZHcxFSznYtfcHZnq1Qh0l6HlZVlyDRL1X2X7r-J-f-Wz5SLBVCE/s1600/Isr+1+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="127" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi45J8NraBi_UaYn_Zmh4PS4Up1SrXyPQCIdIOinGJfKuWrk-8diWD1R3NM6h4S9KWLjVq5G6s-tV-Wx_anEqJkuwPZZHcxFSznYtfcHZnq1Qh0l6HlZVlyDRL1X2X7r-J-f-Wz5SLBVCE/s400/Isr+1+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The Jewish population of Israel can largely be divided into two
groups: those of Sephardic origins, who came from Spain and Germany, and the
Azkhenazi, from the Slavic lands in Eastern Europe. It is this latter group
which seems to dominate the Israeli Mayonnaise scene. Witness the present and
the next label.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Lina is – as the only easily readable phrase on the label proudly
proclaims – made according to a ‘Russian homemade recipe’, by which surely is
meant a Russian recipe for homemade Mayo. But its deeper origins are actually
Lithuanian, as I was assured by my good friend Professor Simon Hopkins, who
took this bottle along for me from Jerusalem when we met in Lisbon, and
provided me with a basic translation of the Ivrit text (unfortunately too long
to reproduce here).</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Lina was a truly fine Mayo, which over time developed
beautifully. For it is with Mayonnaise as with cheese: the substance ripens on
prolonged contact with the air; which sometimes turns out for the better, and
sometimes turns into a science project by Fu Manchu. In this case, the last
spoonfuls were even more delicious than the first; so that I can confidently
say that – if only I lived in Israel, Lithuania or Russia – Lina would be one
of my preferred brands!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Is2.
Provansal Mayonez. Israel, March 2015. 450 grams, no price<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2rQZ9GqN0IV_VeHqk94EtQokHB-nNlue0j1cEsWQmC5oP92uv7TXxIskHersyONN7WP552bsdZZWteEr8dJpSUvsm8umeGe_9eljyOH8RrkLI1zXX5afJ-KwjH8u9vFW1GW-iJSAEtuU/s1600/Isr+2+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2rQZ9GqN0IV_VeHqk94EtQokHB-nNlue0j1cEsWQmC5oP92uv7TXxIskHersyONN7WP552bsdZZWteEr8dJpSUvsm8umeGe_9eljyOH8RrkLI1zXX5afJ-KwjH8u9vFW1GW-iJSAEtuU/s400/Isr+2+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
Yet one more gift from Simon and Yehudit Hopkins; and yet another
product with a Lithuanian pedigree. Yet this time, the Russian influence
impresses itself with even more insistence upon the Baltic basis, seeing that
this sauce is presented as ‘<i>Provansal’</i>.
No: this is not some Geographical Confusion in the Babylonian way! The Mayo has
nothing to do with the region around Arles, Aix-en-Provence and the Bouches-du-Rhône;
the name is merely a favourite qualification in Russian cuisine, as labels R4,
R5 and R6 elsewhere in this collection will show. Why the Russians would prefer
their Mayo from this distant, out-of-the-way district remains a mystery. Surely
there is a little Napoleon involved, and Russian <i>émigrés</i>, and <i>chefs</i>
seduced over from Paris and the Côte d’Azur. But how this came about precisely still
needs to be discovered by our scholars.</div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Unfortunately we did not get to taste this brand, as the large glass
jar could not be taken along while travelling. So I am unable to provide any
information on its gastronomic virtues or vices. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 16.0pt;">Is3.
Telma. Israel, March 2015. 250 grams, no price<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjyzf6OVUoOzRFC0E3DQ1yyN3eQ_2Fq-cE9Zcn3cxFePjHm4ygBeu_loOTSGp8rD-2uyv8VabY57934zIq1xx0OoLZ1hM1gZ7HsI8g-7I2hlFk9xzRzPaC3smry-lwWKCE7YjiwqLTZ9g/s1600/Isr+3+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="120" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjyzf6OVUoOzRFC0E3DQ1yyN3eQ_2Fq-cE9Zcn3cxFePjHm4ygBeu_loOTSGp8rD-2uyv8VabY57934zIq1xx0OoLZ1hM1gZ7HsI8g-7I2hlFk9xzRzPaC3smry-lwWKCE7YjiwqLTZ9g/s400/Isr+3+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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And the last of the three gracious gifts brought to me by my dear
friends Simon and Yehudit. Sad to say, they made this grand effort - schlepping
jars of oily substances through innumerable security checks, hauling them to
hotels in their already heavy backpacks, storing them in the mini bar of the
hotel room and guarding them with their lives against the all too easily
tempted Portuguese chambermaids – only to deliver a most lamentable culinary
experience to the Mayonnaise connoisseur I pride myself to be…</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">For what is the truth? The jar of this brand is made of plastic. The
lid is made of plastic. The label itself is plastic! So what do you figure this
‘Telma Genuine Mayonnaise’ tastes like? Yeah, right, you guessed it: it has a
vague, saddening, but inescapable aftertaste of… plastic! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">That said, as labels go, it is of course worth its weight in gold to
the true collector. How often does one score a Mayo label which one cannot
possibly read? And which, once translated by the same dear friend who brought
you the bottle, reveals itself to be almost as impenetrable as the Kabala
itself? For this is not just ANY Mayo you see here, reader: it is a certified <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Kasher</i> Mayo! For as the label tells
(some of) us: it was produced under the strictest supervision of the Chief
Rabbinate of Haifa and of the Rabbinical Court in Jerusalem, who together
guarantee that the sauce is ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">parve’</i>
(i.e. free of all milk and meat) and that it is ‘without suspicion of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tevel</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">shevi’th’</i>. Which, I have no doubt, comes as a great relief to all
of you…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Or does it? Once, many years ago, when living in Amsterdam, I was invited for a Sunday dinner with friends, but had
forgotten to buy a bottle of wine to bring to the party. This was at a time
when shops in Amsterdam were still strictly forbidden to open on Sunday's,
except, of course, this one little Jewish delicatessen up in the
Utrechtsestraat, at a stone’s throw from my residence (as it was Jewish, the
shop naturally closed on Saturdays). So off I went, and asked for wine; and Lo
and Behold, they had some marvellous bottles, one of which I bought. I took it
to the dinner party, and just as we were about to drink it, somebody took a
look at the label, read it out, and stopped in mid-sentence. It turned out to
be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Kasher</i> wine, and on the label a
most respectable Rabbi declared solemnly that due to the correct treatment of the
ingredients, there was absolutely no risk of… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: large;">קורא יקר של
עברית: אין לי שום מושג מה זה משפט נראה, אז אנא סלח לי</span><span style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">A long silence followed at that dinner table.
The fact that we had no idea WHAT risk exactly we were guaranteed not to run, triggered
rather than relieved our anxiety, and the notion that, for all we could tell,
the Hebrew line might spell something like: ‘True believers do not drink! Leave
this poison to the Goyim!’, inspired us to partake only most cautiously of the
first few sips, everybody looking at the others to see if perhaps they would
develop a horrible diarrhoea, or levitate, or turn into a frog…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Of course nobody did, and it was excellent
wine. But it just goes to show: it is not always a good thing to be so
well-informed in a language that is Greek to you…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-11580589553537474682016-10-07T17:37:00.002+02:002016-11-21T10:37:41.411+01:00The Flying Rabbits of Tumumoa<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
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<span lang="EN-GB">By
Alfred B. Mittington, Soc. Zoo. Br. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> [First published in the <i>Peterloo Review</i>, Wellington (NZ), 18 June 1954.]</o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-nUxNGP0JcCrqBlDtR1lQYwWWr1Z1ROjL_T_0lZjau0xQyPFGsy98BCpVkpZsJZap1beKHuUBtYWS8CFYqSGN1cuyh0F_oYFuqn-1jB6WwDnjhk04ZN686YhWvCeOd26Q9kG9qd1uRUk/s1600/Tum+1+Rabbit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-nUxNGP0JcCrqBlDtR1lQYwWWr1Z1ROjL_T_0lZjau0xQyPFGsy98BCpVkpZsJZap1beKHuUBtYWS8CFYqSGN1cuyh0F_oYFuqn-1jB6WwDnjhk04ZN686YhWvCeOd26Q9kG9qd1uRUk/s320/Tum+1+Rabbit.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Far from me, dear reader, to criticise
the native rites and customs of small exotic tribes. Such cultural arrogance is
no longer of the age. And for one like myself, who has always been an ardent
defender of the Blantun Indians of the inner Brazils, to do so is nearly unthinkable.
Nevertheless, I admit I was truly stunned, not to say <i>incensed</i>, to hear
of the ritual of Rabbit Throwing that regularly occurs on Tumumoa, the smallest
of the inhabited islands of the New Zealand archipelago. And I frankly confess to
mad fury on learning that the New Zealand government of Mr Patty O’Couvart
refuses to interfere with this despicable practice, on the hollow grounds that
it is not a blood sport, that it is good for pension-plans, and that it is –
take care now! - an ‘ancient tradition’, because it got started as long ago as
1856, A.D. (which tells you what counts as <i>archaic</i> in these Fresh Upstart
Nations Down Under!)</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 36pt;">What is the
truth which the O’Couvart administration refuses to acknowledge? Rabbit
throwing, for all its hallowed significance within Tumumoan religion, is the cruellest
of practices. If it only involved a single rabbit, the conscientious person
might still take a deep breath and swallow his rightful indignation. But
no....!! Whole runs of rabbits are being subjected to this harmful and
humiliating operation, hurled around by the dozens at the ceremonial victims,
by massive crowds of elated, and often intoxicated, participants!</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 36pt;">What is more:
Rabbit throwing is of </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">recent</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;"> invention, and therefore cannot even claim
to be vindicated by age. And worse of all: this nauseating ritual is not at all
native to Tumumoa, but is, on the contrary, a cultural contamination of Western
origins. It may have turned into a local fertility rite, but it isn’t Melanesian
at all. And even if it were, would that justify the thoughtless, pitiless
tossing of dozens of life bunnies at a ceremoniously dressed man and woman, folks
who themselves often come away with scratches, blue spots and extremely soiled
costumes for which they have paid dear money? I dare say it would not! And were
circumstances only slightly different, I would here, on this very page,
admonish the O’Couvart government to crack down ruthlessly on this practice and
force the native Tumumoans to replace the life rabbits with some other (inanimate)
symbol of fertility. </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">Would</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">, I say - but </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">will</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;"> not. For here lays
the whole problem: the rabbits already ARE a replacement! And the recent history
of the rite makes one shudder at the thought of proposing yet another substitute.
Far from improving matters, every cure has so far proven to be considerably worse
than the original disease. And one loathes to continue the trend.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUBfE6JzrqUSXXfSQgPc54y0DlDYVK4pWUg4TrjV1YCkAs3seeQAOY1HmLajj1Q4mlXyqOLpMAnql24GeJ1TTbph1MXLNHGGLe17unNOv0HOW29nAL-8ODkpw-CNgCuumoX6lzZoybX0Q/s1600/Graydons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUBfE6JzrqUSXXfSQgPc54y0DlDYVK4pWUg4TrjV1YCkAs3seeQAOY1HmLajj1Q4mlXyqOLpMAnql24GeJ1TTbph1MXLNHGGLe17unNOv0HOW29nAL-8ODkpw-CNgCuumoX6lzZoybX0Q/s320/Graydons.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The reception of the Graydons on Tumumoa</td></tr>
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The
roots of Rabbit Throwing lie in the days soon after the Christianisation of
this corner of Melanesia in the mid 1850s by the Graydon family; a set of
missionaries, originally in the service of the British & Foreign Bible
Society, who came to Tumumoa when kicked out of Gibraltar for social misbehaviour.
Lieutenant James Newenham Graydon, their Patriarch, was an extremely zealous
evangelist and – let us call a spade a spade - a total nutcase. He was ‘as
insane as a man who sets his house on fire in order to warm his hands,’ as one
of his former colleagues in Spain described him. If we may believe their shipping bill,
which has miraculously survived, the Graydons had the weirdest notions about
the place where they were headed. Their luggage contained – and here I only
quote the more <i>intelligible </i>items – a 60 foot fold-up Tabernacle, 20
copies of <i>A Pilgrim’s Progress</i>, 5,000
pairs of ‘Baboon Pantaloons’, 14 enemas ‘for personal use’ and 1,000 copies of
the New Testament in Manchu-Tatar. The presence of the latter lot may perhaps
be explained by the misconception current at the time that Melanesians
originated in the southern Chinese province of Canton (a theory convincingly discredited
of late by Dr Heyerdahl’s Kon-Tiki expedition). But the Baboon trousers are
truly inexplicable, unless there be a connection, as has been suggested, with
the accusation of ‘animal mistreatment’ which caused the Graydon’s exile from the
Gibraltar Rock.</div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">However
that may be, the Graydons sailed in, they landed, and set up shop. And the very
next day trouble started. It just so happened that the morning after their
arrival, they were invited to attend the wedding ceremony between the chief’s 23<sup>rd</sup>
daughter, Minoabubu, and a young Tumumoan called Taupotini. During that festival,
certain fertility rites were performed which were meant to guarantee the newly
wed couple ample progeny. We do not know exactly of what those fertility rites consisted,
but they were guaranteed to be terribly shocking to a Victorian pastor. There
may have been some masturbation. Perhaps there was a bit of public fornication.
We cannot tell from the prudish descriptions which Mrs Mabel Graydon entrusted
to her diary (what is one to make of her mentioning ‘horrid regular movements’
and ‘lascivious exposure of linguistic body parts?’ – for all one knows, the
dumb brutes only chewed some cassava-roots in an impolite manner!) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdVPEnroneOzepOXm-lVeyLTWSKmiM8WUKvueMzomipuRDTW9_SINrVsygcxh9mwy2sDJDCdM3QkXF64xbiOB6tG6Gq-hL6MbqfHwVOB8BZWMiZKLYHT_qyrMYQDsObCSlHxctH1x9Nhs/s1600/Tum+2+The+wedded+couple.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdVPEnroneOzepOXm-lVeyLTWSKmiM8WUKvueMzomipuRDTW9_SINrVsygcxh9mwy2sDJDCdM3QkXF64xbiOB6tG6Gq-hL6MbqfHwVOB8BZWMiZKLYHT_qyrMYQDsObCSlHxctH1x9Nhs/s400/Tum+2+The+wedded+couple.jpg" width="275" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Minoabubu and Taupotini on their wedding day</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Nowadays
we would shrug our shoulders over such things, mumble something about cultural
relativism, and find ourselves a keyhole to peep through. Not so our upright
Victorians! They were still convinced that God had sent them over to the
darkies to teach them Civilisation, to wit: chastity, Sunday prayer, baboon
pantaloons and plenty of enemas. So Lieutenant Graydon immediately set to work.
It took him a week to convince Chief Ububaonim that what went on during the
local marriage celebrations was Terribly Wrong in the Eyes of Our Maker (he
might have succeeded a little quicker, but it ain’t easy to explain in
Manchu-Tatar what Sin is to a savage who is unaware of the concept.) Ububaonim,
at first, gently parried the objections.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘On
weddings no <i>huba</i> <i>huba</i> <i>aloha</i>,’ the cordial old chief
replied, ‘then no little <i>papoosoas</i>. No little <i>papoosoas</i> – then no
taxpayers. Bad for spouses. Bad for government. And incidentally: calamitous for
national pension plan. Whole of the demographic pyramid topsy-turvy. That not
how Kutahkutah ordained <i>Mamoa</i> of Universe. So sorry. Can’t be helped..’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘But
it <i>CAN</i> be helped!!’ Lieutenant Graydon exclaimed frenziedly as he jumped
to his feet. ‘With the help of the Lord we will find an alternative!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Await
options,’ the old chief spoke amiably, as he rattled his Kuri-shell bracelet.
‘Consult think-tank. Wreck brain drain. Call again.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2VSJASsD5zQi0fi1ISe5hrrcIN8dF1AwEmf-CMtzIlE8B-iY5wG8HA0IFyrdBcoC4oYrEzFR7U0pp8u_6GudebfJfqd_hyphenhyphenEMv0jCOx7tNWc8H90KLgN-8XInmccUWM5QdnkwPvA_LMuM/s1600/Tum+3+The+Chief.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2VSJASsD5zQi0fi1ISe5hrrcIN8dF1AwEmf-CMtzIlE8B-iY5wG8HA0IFyrdBcoC4oYrEzFR7U0pp8u_6GudebfJfqd_hyphenhyphenEMv0jCOx7tNWc8H90KLgN-8XInmccUWM5QdnkwPvA_LMuM/s400/Tum+3+The+Chief.jpg" width="242" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Good old Chief Ububaonim</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB">In
only three 12-hours prayer-sessions of the collected Graydon clan, an
alternative was indeed discovered. And it surely says something that the bright
idea originated with young Matthew Graydon, the 11-year old Benjamin of the
family. The alternative was <i>rice</i>. Throw rice at the newly-weds. That,
after all, was an old, hallowed Anglo-Saxon tradition, perfectly sanctioned by
the British churches, which, as young Matthew had learned in school just before
sailing to the antipodes, likewise conveyed the ritual desire for the young
couple to go and multiply profusely in Biblical obedience.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 36pt;">Next day
Lieutenant Graydon hauled one of the family’s 80-pound bags of dried rice to
the village </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">fatafafa</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;"> and went to see Ububaonim. He argued vehemently and
at length. He explained that rice was far stronger a talisman than </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">huba</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;"> </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">huba
aloha</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">. Just look at how plentiful the Englishmen were on the face of the
earth! At least as many as all the fingers and toes of all the Tumumoans put
together! There were so many, in fact, that they had to get away from their own
island, and come in their canoes to other archipelagos, like Tumumoa. And look
at </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">Tamaʻitaʻi</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;"> Mabel, how she had born
him 11 healthy children! All because of Rice, your Majesty! – Because of Rain
Showers of Rice on our wedding day!</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 36pt;">Ububaonim
considered the arguments coolly. To tell the truth, he was not much impressed
with the Englishman’s dialectics. He was even a little taken aback to learn
that these whiteys from across the waters still did not realize that </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">papoosoas</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">
were a result of </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">huba huba</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">, not from some funny fooling around with
staple foodstuffs. But - and this is essential now - Ububaonim was a deeply
devout man, to whom the laws of hospitality were sacrosanct. He wanted nothing
more than to please these poor guests of his, who had had to flee their own
overpopulated native island and live out their sorry lives far away from the
blessing of home and family. So he shrugged his shoulders, rattled his kuris,
and spoke: ‘Can give it try. Progress innovation. You happy I happy.’</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB-oEtkHHsyvwW9N0q3cShoMw3SKg9slrRzZewJQ9yt7CKPvSuRK5QuPbyy8oz23AatSi_weNK2BtJmPLQ__ul1pGqpa96jzVrrj2o7NTNDHVm3qVjs2PidP4ID3UeStYG-PW8OCDTqzg/s1600/Tum+4+Wedding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="272" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB-oEtkHHsyvwW9N0q3cShoMw3SKg9slrRzZewJQ9yt7CKPvSuRK5QuPbyy8oz23AatSi_weNK2BtJmPLQ__ul1pGqpa96jzVrrj2o7NTNDHVm3qVjs2PidP4ID3UeStYG-PW8OCDTqzg/s400/Tum+4+Wedding.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">'The Rice Wedding (by young Miss Abigail Graydon)</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB">And
so it was ordained. During the next wedding that took place on Tumumoa, the
newly weds were duly bombarded with shovelfuls of dry rice, thrown at them from
the side-lines as they chastely marched out of the <i>Marae</i> arm in arm (young
Matthew Graydon had had a splendid time explaining to the natives how the thing
was done). The Graydon family gave solemn thanks to the Lord Our God for
inspiring good king Ububaonim with Divine Wisdom. And the <i>huba huba aloha</i>
took place, discreetly so as not to disturb the honourable white exiles, during
the stag nights and hen parties celebrated the night <i>after</i> the wedding
ceremony in a remote spot on the upper skirts of the volcano. A new tradition
was born. Everybody happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Except
that Tumumoa is a dry island. And that rice will not grow in its arid, saline
soil...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The
Tumumoans are a marrying kind of people. They harbour a solid belief in the
Family as the corner log of society. The next three months saw at least three
dozen wedding celebrations; and by early September the Graydons’ supply of
dried rice had run out. What to do? When consulted, that horrid King Ububaonim turned
outright hostile! ‘Ways of ancestors not so bad, huh?’ he spoke savagely at
Lieutenant Graydon, who was squatted humbly at his feet. ‘Rice limited
resource. Runs out. <i>Huba huba</i> does not. Well – unless all wives get moon
in head same night… Has happened to me. Embarrasing.’ And then, scratching
himself under his orchid-crown, he said: ‘Better regress to old tradition.
Avoid social conflict. And long walks to volcano.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB1hdKzowFg-SY9lMIBnSI4HxaIS0MyEXj4wp7a7afvpD9ln1Q2QGdV-NUgHh7likiFqqzfv7pu7R4f3Zv3w18p2PvevhIQDKUayMq1Y9lquFCNJrqRlrI7jedUtIQASK5h5_QmdmNjRw/s1600/Tum+3+The+Chief.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgB1hdKzowFg-SY9lMIBnSI4HxaIS0MyEXj4wp7a7afvpD9ln1Q2QGdV-NUgHh7likiFqqzfv7pu7R4f3Zv3w18p2PvevhIQDKUayMq1Y9lquFCNJrqRlrI7jedUtIQASK5h5_QmdmNjRw/s400/Tum+3+The+Chief.jpg" width="242" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The horrid barbarian chief Ububaonim</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Lieutenant
Graydon was dumbstruck – and not only by the threat of being hurled into the
infernal crater by way of human sacrifice, which this savage pagan had just voiced
– but even more by the abhorrent thought of the Lord’s Work being Undone. He
pleaded, first, loudly, to the Lord in Heaven, then, vehemently, with this
royal servant of Moloch. He shouted, he sang hymns, he quoted Scripture, he
rolled frenzied in the dirt of the floor. After roughly 10 minutes of this,
Ububaonim, beginning to fear for his guest’s heart and mental health, gave in.
‘Alright! Accept! Calm down dorsal spine. Will compromise!’ he exclaimed,
wildly waving his ostrich-feather fly-waif at the man to give him some cool
air. ‘Go. Wash brain drain again. Renew innovation. Make proposal.’ And, as the
grateful missionary slumped exhausted to the floor, the old king mumbled to
himself: ‘See what comes from too much self-<i>huba</i>!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidpw5wgWk0YpqrDNa1qgvDzK-H_ha8Y5p8WeIplK3drpNE98m0lISuHfBLeC2j0sehv9RI6yVDNU4Jd5abNLlG1G61nOrt8wv03VU8EZIO3l6QM3Rm4zgzyaQIHK5CxKOTH84gDvWLDuE/s1600/Tum+5+Volcano+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidpw5wgWk0YpqrDNa1qgvDzK-H_ha8Y5p8WeIplK3drpNE98m0lISuHfBLeC2j0sehv9RI6yVDNU4Jd5abNLlG1G61nOrt8wv03VU8EZIO3l6QM3Rm4zgzyaQIHK5CxKOTH84gDvWLDuE/s400/Tum+5+Volcano+.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">What
more, dear reader? I’m sure you can guess it. After lengthy Prayer Meetings,
the Graydons did come up with a fresh solution. Mustard-seed! – the Biblical allegory
for quick promulgation; of which, as luck would have it, they had three sturdy
bags in their pantry. The proposal was accepted, and to the missionaries’ endless
joy, mustard seed caught on well in the rich volcanic soil of the island. It
seemed that the Divine Solution had been found at last. But then the brides and
bride’s maids of Tumumoa filed a complaint with the chief. Them tiny little mustard
seeds got into their hula-skirts and itched them to madness all through the
ceremony and the party afterwards. You couldn’t get rid of them. Not by
shaking, not by scratching, not by bathing. You found them for days afterwards
in your <i>rongorongo</i>. So, they suggested, couldn’t they just, you know, go
<i>naked</i> during the weddings? Also saved them having to go change for the
post-nuptials up on the volcano. Ububaonim, a healthy fellow for his 67
summers, was not unsympathetic to the idea. ‘If you cannot climb the mountain
you may still look up its skirts, eh?’ he winked thickly at the lieutenant. But
the Graydons, of course, were scandalised (particularly Mabel who still
harboured hopes of putting her Baboon Pantaloons to some good use before long).
They sang hymns – they went into raptures – they threw their spectacles on the
ground and stomped them to pieces, they….</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhymTMqWJPv3O0Qzy7OATczJWqcXULjf6_s3xykamCeVKN4ZTr6B6m_IaS8zS7lqMTWiPV-7bPF5UEthKD5HGJbgU0wDQSpBi9Fe5nFpSJS0GUUTuEIvkDSQS9r0jZsEtH4fPPNtDFtJhE/s1600/Tum+6+Bridesmaids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhymTMqWJPv3O0Qzy7OATczJWqcXULjf6_s3xykamCeVKN4ZTr6B6m_IaS8zS7lqMTWiPV-7bPF5UEthKD5HGJbgU0wDQSpBi9Fe5nFpSJS0GUUTuEIvkDSQS9r0jZsEtH4fPPNtDFtJhE/s1600/Tum+6+Bridesmaids.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Tumumoa bridesmaids on strike</td></tr>
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<span style="text-indent: 36pt;">In short: by
February of the next year an attempt was made with gulls’ eggs. Eggs were a typical
fertility symbol as well, as young Matthew remembered from an article on Easter
customs. But unfortunately thrown eggs make an awful mess and the mighty </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">stag</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">-parties
turned into terrible </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">stick</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">-parties, which really wrecked the fun. Then
somebody, with a nice Freudian touch </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">avant la lettre</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">, proposed coconuts.
Three wedding-guests and the happily married couple itself had to be hospitalized
because of the experiment, so the idea was immediately abandoned. Next,
thoughtlessly, the newly-weds and their attendants were showered with chemical
fertiliser. It caused an awful skin rash in everyone, and the bridesmaids let
it be known they’d rather to go back to the mustard seeds, </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">rongaronga</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">
trouble or not, than subject themselves any longer to this chemical warfare!
And then, at long last, somebody noticed the rabbits of the island. The
rabbits, which bred like, well…. </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">rabbits</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">. The rabbits, fertility totem </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">par
excellence</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">, who knew better than any other animal how to go about a good
bit of </span><i style="text-indent: 36pt;">huba huba aloha</i><span style="text-indent: 36pt;">. They were soft, there were many, you could swing
them by the ears and – last but not least – the touch of their soft fur on your
naked skin had a most enjoyable titillating effect on the whole of the
company….</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 36pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The
first fertility rabbit sailed through the Tumumoan air on March 15<sup>th</sup>
1856 during the marriage of Kanathea and Opari. It was thrown by the bride’s
father Aehtanak, and landed smack in the middle of Opari’s face (not wholly coincidentally,
by the looks of it; due to some obscure old dispute over spliced mango-trees, Aehtanak
couldn’t stand the sight of his new son-in-law). Other than that, however, all
of the celebrants were mighty pleased with the new projectiles. The rabbits
caused no brain damage, they did not get into your skirt, they uttered most
cheerful little shrieks as they came sailing through the air, and the ones that
died in the process could be roasted on the spot for the subsequent
wedding-feast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh-Qk43lxcnomW3p5LUVF_HXYA45Iz-h5V_ttnCc3LjNeLrotLUwawvVoYuvjAcHVZbYSO3DPM3AFWmR0EAmm709TlTufPabvHvRdS_vcrkmzcddBy7qUoX7gko2RuSmR9MSD1XdCEKw8/s1600/Tum+6+Nursing+the+rabbits.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh-Qk43lxcnomW3p5LUVF_HXYA45Iz-h5V_ttnCc3LjNeLrotLUwawvVoYuvjAcHVZbYSO3DPM3AFWmR0EAmm709TlTufPabvHvRdS_vcrkmzcddBy7qUoX7gko2RuSmR9MSD1XdCEKw8/s400/Tum+6+Nursing+the+rabbits.jpg" width="277" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The ultimate perversion:<br />
A Tumumoa bridesmaid nursing throwable rabbits! </td></tr>
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<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB">This
then reader, is the wholly modern and Western origin of Rabbit Throwing, that
cruel blood sport masquerading as a traditional Melanesian rite. There is
nothing ancient in it. There is nothing hallowed to it. It does not root in
venerable Tumumoan religion or the profound philosophical concepts of the Noble
Savage. It is purely the result of warped missionary brains and the dry saline
soil of Tumumoa. And I say that it is high time to put a stop to the very very
very sick practice! Ever since March 1856, nearly a hundred years ago now, this
shameful superstition has been continued, in ever higher frequency and ever
growing numbers. Nowadays, rabbits are being deliberately bred for the purpose.
A special species has been developed over the years, one of good flyers and
slow runners with exceptionally lengthy ears. Some of these poor animals are
subjected to this painful and humiliating experience three, four, yes,
sometimes even FIVE times before they succumb and get turned into spare ribs.
And only the faulty reasoning, and the blind slothfulness of the O’Couvart
government stands in the way of calling a halt to a practice which is an
abominable blot on the reputation of the whole southern hemisphere! Shame on
you, Patrick O’Couvart, you Judas Iscariot of neo-colonialism! SHAME!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Postscript
on the further missionary activities on Tumumoa <o:p></o:p></span></u></i></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Despite a promising start, the Tumumoa
mission ultimately ended in failure. Initopuat , the first-born son of
Minoabubu and Taupotini (the couple of the first wedding), became one of
Graydon’s most devout converts, and eventually rose to be the first Episcopal
bishop of the island. Yet even this could not guarantee the continued success
of Christianity. The natives simply refused to come over. The main bone of
contention turned out to be Tumumoan baptism customs. The natives were in the
habit – as the reader surely has noticed from the above - of naming children
after their father, but with the names written in reverse so as to keep the
generations apart. Much as they tried, the upright and over-sensitive British
missionaries could not accustom themselves to the Tumumoan faithful innocently
applying the same principle to the Son of <i>God</i>. Perhaps it smacked too
much of animal worship, golden calves and the Egyptian deity Anubis. A feeble
attempt was made to explain to them that the True Name of the Lord was Jehova –
but as bad luck would have it, in Tumumoan the word ‘Avohei’ signifies ‘eating avocado
bread with your uncle’s daughter’, one of the gravest and most intolerable taboos
on the island. The Tumumoans were scandalised and lapidated several of the
preachers with coconuts. Missionary activity on Tumumoa ceased in the 1890s. Rabbit
Throwing, however, persisted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><i><u><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Note
from the editor</span></u></i></b><i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The publication of the above <i>J’Accuse</i>
had some unforeseen side-effects, insofar as it helped to topple the O’Couvart
government. The outcry caused by Mittington’s revelations of modern Tumumoan
marriage-rites was immense. These being days of animal lovers, Bugs Bunny and Christian
vegetarianism, animal protection societies all over the globe picked up the hue
and cry. New Zealand got vilified in churchyards, schoolrooms and community
centres the world over. By early 1955, the O’Couvart government could no longer
dodge the issue. Patty O’Couvart, however, was a proud politician and he
refused to ‘cave in to this Mittington maniac’. Consequently, far from
interfering with the practice out of concerns for animal wellfare, the
government decided to play the ‘conservationist’ card. Rabbits were declared a
protected species, and under that banner Rabbit Throwing was forcibly discontinued.
Within two years, the rabbit population in New Zealand baby-boomed from an
estimated 150,000 individuals to 20,000,000. Agricultural produce plummeted 43
%. Farmers staged sit-ins and let loose thousands of rabbits inside the
Agricultural Ministry and Wellington City Hall. On 16 August 1955, the O’Couvart
government resigned. For unexplained reasons, present-day Tumumoans throw satellite-disks
at newly-wed couples; and rabbits are now being fought with industrial poison
and special, laboratory-prepared strands of myxomatosis. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-14068142531455896572016-08-24T17:07:00.004+02:002016-08-24T17:07:57.259+02:00Love Life of the Three-Toed Sloth<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">By Alfred B. Mittington</span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">(Royal Academy of Tropical Zoology)</span></h3>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><o:p>(From: The Collected Works of Alfred B Mittington, vol. xxxiii, pp. 64-79)</o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">What I see when I stroll into the Ape
House of the Zoo and study the Three-toed Sloth, dear reader, is <i>Extinction</i>.
Extinction incarnate. Extinction of the kind that did in the good ol’ Shakers.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK1aCCK05fm6n7ELbZg7o4d9aZn-Ms8GlGLYdbYaRcqy897rLBR8_DIRnMdKuIgbmJEOWZ50CC58_Vub5A0Ay65L2TMKZtQX4MTxGVCcLjtWjVP2YhZdxiBcklKZBmIUs8JOVMv5Icp4Q/s1600/Shakers_Dancing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiK1aCCK05fm6n7ELbZg7o4d9aZn-Ms8GlGLYdbYaRcqy897rLBR8_DIRnMdKuIgbmJEOWZ50CC58_Vub5A0Ay65L2TMKZtQX4MTxGVCcLjtWjVP2YhZdxiBcklKZBmIUs8JOVMv5Icp4Q/s400/Shakers_Dancing.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shakers at their most… remarkable.<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">Now
I understand I ought to explain a thing or two before moving on with this
fascinating zoological treatise. Few people nowadays have any idea who or what
the Shakers may have been. This comes as no surprise, since there are no
Shakers left. To put it in a nutshell (which I dare say is a word well chosen
in this context): the Shakers were an even stricter, more devout and - to speak
the truth - more hilarious split-off of the well-known Quakers, a Protestant
sect dedicated to Doing Good, Getting to Heaven and making other people morals.
Shaker ideology took Biblical precepts to its most unforgiving extreme. Not
only should one do one's best to love one’s neighbour, forgive one’s enemy, and
try to get ever closer to the Lord (their ecstatic fits during religious
service earned them the moniker by which they are known) but celibacy should be
practiced rigorously, the full 100 %, by absolutely everybody of the Faith.
Consequently, and despite the fact that Shakers lived in mixed communities, not
a single Shaker ever produced offspring. Shakers did not fornicate. Shakers did
not procreate. Shaker communities were replenished only by new converts. And
since time and death proved considerably faster and more powerful than the
persuasiveness of Shaker missionary zeal (which is small wonder seeing that
they offered a package of hard work, no drink, tasteless food and total sexual
abstinence), the last Shaker died, if I remember well, somewhere in the early
1920s at the venerable age of 112, childless, happy to go meet Her Maker and
by now shaking, one imagines, only from Alzheimer’s Disease and the bodily
wreckage caused by extreme old age.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">Now
what does all this have to do with the Three-toed Sloth? I hear the reader ask,
perhaps just a trifle impatient…</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">Well,
despite appearances, much more than you may think, dear reader..!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">The
three-toed Sloth<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5430917408212835186&pli=1#_ftn1" name="_ftnref1" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn1;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span style="mso-special-character: footnote;"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: ES;">[1]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a> is a
South-American mammal that lives in trees. Well, lives... lives…? <i>Vegetates</i>
might be the better expression for what it does. For we commonly associate the
notion of Life with a minimum of movement and at least <i>some</i> reaction to
stimuli. And in that department, the Sloth does not excel. To picture a Sloth,
the reader should imagine a kind of bleached and uncombed Afghan Hound with the
muzzle and the tail removed, hanging upside down from a tree-branch on four
amazingly long paws, each of which sports three big, black nails which can lock
themselves around a branch like a vice. Nature has indeed prepared the Sloth
well for hanging from trees: a pit bull terrier's jaws are child's play
compared with the grip of a Sloth's paw. Nothing in the world, not the juiciest
banana nor the highest voltage Taser shock, could possibly convince a Sloth to
let go of its tree if it doesn't want to do so. And it <i>does not</i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> want to do so</i>. Ever. Because, if there
is anything which a Sloth loathes thoroughly, from its natural condition and
its genetic make-up, it is the naked thought of <i>motion</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">Not
for nothing has “sloth” become a by-word for laziness, dear reader. This ape is
the slowest, the most inert and the least vital creature ever to come out of
Noah's Arch (according to an obscure Aramaic passage in the Dead Sea Scrolls,
it had to be carried down the gangway...) Its average energy consumption has
recently been calculated to hover around twenty calories in a good year
(approximately the digestive yield of a quarter string of vermicelli). The dumb
thing barely ever moves, and when it does, its locomotion comes only with the
most melancholy sluggishness and inert reluctance. To move a paw from one
position to the next, takes approximately ten minutes. To move </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">all</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;"> </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">four</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">
</span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">paws</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;"> can easily take a day. And to move the whole sad bundle, pathetic
muzzle to absent tail, down to the end of a five foot bough may well cost half
a life-time (provided it doesn't forget somewhere along the way where it was
going in the first place).</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">Fortunately,
nature has been kind to the Sloth. Early on, it endowed the species with a
digestive system fit for <i>green</i> <i>leaves</i>; whatever sort of green
leaves which it finds hanging in front of its muzzle. Had it been any other
way, had the Sloth fed on such fast and volatile things as – let us say -
snails or beefsteak tomatoes, the species would - very early on during the
Darwinistic Holocaust - have joined the Dinosaurs and the Dodo by way of simple
malnutrition. As it is, it survives. But don't you ever expect to see a pack
of famished Sloths attack and defoliate a tree in an herbivorous orgy. A single
caterpillar does more damage. What am I saying? I've seen Sloths trying, and
the tree was faster!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">This
then, is the Sloth, the Oblomov of Apes, the zombie of the rainforest; the
Sleepy Hollow of the Biological Outback. Food-wise, it managed to hold on to
its ecological niche because it never moved out of there (how could it?)
Psychologically it seems to be content with its somnambulant state of being (or
at least, if it </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">does</i><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;"> have nervous breakdowns, we never notice them).
Ecologically, it fits in marvellously well with—</span></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></b><b><i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 14.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">But what does all this
have to do with the fricking Shakers?!!</span></i></b><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">screams the much-tried reader who did
not pay good money to listen to rambling prattle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><i>Procreation</i>,
mumbles the humble author. Simple, naked, down-to-earth procreation. You know:
The Act. The birds and the bees. Or in this case rather: the sloths and the
trees. For here’s the mystery: <i>How do they do it</i>? How does one
three-toed sloth ever get close enough to another three-toed sloth to become,
well, you know: <i>cosy</i>? And if by pure coincidence they do collide, how
then do they ever reach a sufficient level of ecstatic throbbing motion to, you
know… <i>make babies</i>? The bloody thing won’t come alive for fire or flood.
It will not move for food or comfort. An earthquake couldn’t wrench it from its
spot! How then could mere hormones? For the Three-toed Sloth to have a love
life is positively unthinkable. And so the species ought to have become
extinct, exactly like them good ol’ Shakers, within the first generation after
its emergence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">Since
there are enigmas which even a man as highly intelligent as myself cannot
possibly unravel through mere systematic deduction, I decided to consult Dr
Jeroen Bos of ‘Natura Artis Magistra’, the Amsterdam Zoo. Doctor Bos is one of
Europe’s foremost experts in Simonology, or Ape-studies, and in return for only
a minor fee, he agreed to consult the – rather scarce – literature upon the
subject. The following summary on the procreative ‘activities’ of the
Three-toed Sloth is the result of his efforts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">‘The
reproductive cycle of the <i>Bradypodidae</i>, dear collaegue,’ so Doctor Bos
wrote me, ‘is really more a matter of the growth of trees than the lust of
apes. Statistical field work by the Simonological Faculty of Sidney Municipal
University has yielded the basic empirical statistic that the faster the trees
in any given area grow, the more baby sloths one finds. This phenomenon, known
among experts as the ‘Von Humboldt Simeo-Dendero Correlation’ (after its
original discoverer, Humbert von Humboldt) was already observed and formulated
some 150 years ago. It took science not a short while to unearth the true
mechanism behind this symbiotic relationship. But at long last, I dare say, we
have cracked this hardy nut!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">‘The
process takes place in the following manner. By a simple coincidence of nature,
a female sloth makes her permanent home, early in life, in the top of a young
and healthy tree. Naturally, the old girl never again moves from this
privileged position. The tree then begins to grow. And since tropical trees
grow fast, it may happen that, after a fair number of years, one morning when
the cock grows and the sun rises, the lady Sloth discovers that her position
has shifted considerably in the upward mode, and she now finds herself dangling
high above the foliage-level of the rain forest. Exposure to sunbeams triggers
a distinct hormonal reaction. To use a hallowed phrase: the lady sees the
light, and her biological clock tells her it is time for Sex. Reversing the
roles between the sexes as it exists among our Human Species, in which the boys
invariably whistle after the girls (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">haha</i>),
the girl Sloth begins to emit a shrill, high-pitched and extremely loud
whistle, which may be heard for miles around, in order to attract the attention
of possible mates.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">The
reader will forgive me for taking over at this point from the very learned, but
rather chatty Doctor Bos, among whose many splendid qualities brevity shines
only through its total absence. I summarize his findings and his erudite
account: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">Changing,
so to speak, from a <i>sloth</i> into a <i>slut</i>, the furry Christmas ball
in heat sends forth her screeching mating call. The male Sloths down below
instantly go bananas (which, come to think of it, is not so very odd for apes.)
If only they had ears, they would prick them up. As it is, they go into unheard
of libidinous activity, and a mad race ensues between all the males within
hearing range. Paws are stretched out! Claws lock themselves around previously
untouched branches! Hindquarters are lifted to new heights, and so on, and so
forth, at 5m/24h. All boy sloths wish to be the first to reach that treetop
where carnal bliss awaits them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><br /></span></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO92ssmUqB_iqD3Sf3T4lHDNby_vyitAwhWnd4mqAKpzUf9aj16_UeE-32jlBUraArLsosTaxXj3Q2pmNPSPGX7qxa3gOqckkIOe06MDmvgFOugFND1FIKwbJq-TNchv_dlUneiGH51Xs/s1600/Madly+in+love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO92ssmUqB_iqD3Sf3T4lHDNby_vyitAwhWnd4mqAKpzUf9aj16_UeE-32jlBUraArLsosTaxXj3Q2pmNPSPGX7qxa3gOqckkIOe06MDmvgFOugFND1FIKwbJq-TNchv_dlUneiGH51Xs/s320/Madly+in+love.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Boy Sloths going absolutely Bananas</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: -72.0pt -36.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">Now,
from here on, there is something of a blank page in the research papers, since
no investigator has ever had the patience to wait for the whole process to be
completed (few of them live that long, and most reach retirement age before the
business has been brought to a close). Consequently, it is not known <i>how
long</i> it really takes the winner to reach his prize. By way of indication,
however, it may perhaps be mentioned that among the Blantung Indians of Mata
Grosso there exists a Cosmogenetic Myth which says that it took the Primeval
Male Sloth 19 years and half a day to reach the Primeval Mama Sloth with whom
to bring forth the Primeval Egg which hatched the Blantung Universe. Of course,
creation myths often exaggerate such periods of time, and as that bit with the
Egg shows, the Blantungs themselves had only the vaguest notion of how Sloth
Reproduction truly takes place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: -72.0pt -36.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">However
that may be, one male sloth eventually manages to find his way all the way to
the top of the tree. Unsurprisingly, it is not speed, but aim and direction
which decides the outcome. As the pack crawls forward, most competitors simply
lose the race by losing their way. At crucial moments they proceed up the wrong
branch, and all of these candidates end up dangling undecidedly somewhere among
the lateral foliage of the tree. The Sloth with the best Vertical Sense comes
out the winner – a mechanism which is known among the Simonologists, with a
naughty wink, as the Survival of the Erectest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">As
soon as this Supersloth arrives, the female stops her whistling. The effect is
devastating. All other competitors instantly stop dead in their tracks, and
never move another inch from where they find themselves. From this loser’s
position they then witness the consummation of the treetop marriage, which
decency, space and an aesthetical sense forbids me to describe in detail. Let
it merely be said that one should not expect to find rapturous scenes from Deep
Throat or Blue Movie among mating sloths; and that the phrase “the heights of
ecstasy” really only refers to the altitude at which the whole lamentable
business takes place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: -72.0pt -36.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">But
there you have it reader. Yes, indeed, it is possible. It happens! Sloths mate!
Sloths procreate! Sloths <i>Do It</i>, in spite of all appearances! A mystery
is solved! A tip of Mother Nature’s burka has been lifted!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: -72.0pt -36.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: -72.0pt -36.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">But,
as so often, solving one problem really only creates the next. What, I ask, of
Birth? What of the Mystery of New Life being brought into the world? How does
thát happen? Must we imagine a tree top delivery?? Na – that can barely be! Just
picture it: Mama Sloth, highly pregnant, is hanging from her branch. She calmly
chews a eucalyptus leaf which a merciful breeze has blown between her teeth
last autumn… Suddenly – and inapt as the word may sound here – she goes into <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Labour</i>. Out pops little Baby Sloth! And
next? Does the poor little </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;">new born drop down, and end up
dangling by the umbilical cord, suspended, so to say, by its Oedipal ties,
swinging in the wind until the vital cooperation of its growing weight and the
forces of erosion breaks the maternal bond? And if so, how does Young Sloth
ever manage to get back up that tree again (if it doesn’t break it bloody
little neck, that is)!? Ah, there is never an end to the Enigmas of the Natural
World!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: -0.05pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: -72.0pt -36.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -.05pt;">But
the answer to this particular question will have to wait until the next issue
of this series, to wit: <i>Child Abuse Among The Three Toed Sloths</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-45206735881712100412016-04-20T11:22:00.000+02:002016-04-20T11:22:43.336+02:00Cookblog: How to boil an egg<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6LAinIarmMGa2IJNaWraeaC3YNCi8iuZ-nwMpNhJcF0k7hIdwvqLl-0aldDbP8MeKOl8u7EkCTvMI5WjeBc9PPJtF28lzGf4FcB-vjJgsng0KPCuZL-ARHSebMGsI3D07RQbDvWtZmE/s1600/sabrina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6LAinIarmMGa2IJNaWraeaC3YNCi8iuZ-nwMpNhJcF0k7hIdwvqLl-0aldDbP8MeKOl8u7EkCTvMI5WjeBc9PPJtF28lzGf4FcB-vjJgsng0KPCuZL-ARHSebMGsI3D07RQbDvWtZmE/s320/sabrina.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
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<span lang="EN-GB">There is a hilarious moment, in the 14<sup>th</sup> minute of Billy
Wilder’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sabrina</i>, when the master
chef who teaches Ms Audrey Hepburn’s gourmet cooking class speaks the immortal
words: ‘Bonjours, mesdames et messieurs. Yesterday we have learned the correct
way how to boil water…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Ah, how we all laughed when we first heard that! How could anybody
not know how to boil water?? Is there anything simpler and more obvious? Unfortunately,
the joke is not all that farfetched. Some of the simplest and most obvious
processes cause people tremendous trouble. Thus, to my utter astonishment, I
learned quite recently that more than half the population of the civilised West
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">does not know how to boil an egg</i>!
Will you believe it???<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Now, not all our cases are as desperate as that of Mr Ivan Lendl,
the grand Czech tennis champion, who once during an interview confessed that
his mother and sister always cooked for him and that he had no idea how a
kitchen worked. To illustrate this, Mr Lendl told of this one evening when both
his beloved women were out and he was hungry. He decided to boil an egg for
himself. So he put an egg in a pan and the pan on the fire and went to watch TV
while waiting for the process to run its course. Three minutes later there was
an immense blast in the kitchen, and when he rushed over, he found that the egg
had exploded and was now plastered all over the ceiling and the kitchen walls.
‘You see,’ Mr Lendl explained with a smile, ‘I had no idea that one has to put
water into the pan when one boils an egg…’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxqOjyMJkp1Jq6yUXekXS0_KItQMNjo9SyZKEqleyjljokPJ2dEO6It1_jQ4upg3YNsFluAWUoFzDJup_x0tFw6rADQkv1a5OPtj5PUSPqOF5Dmtc2n2z7cGTiVGV5mS7fW2V-ywDDAPQ/s1600/Egg+Laid.JPG" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxqOjyMJkp1Jq6yUXekXS0_KItQMNjo9SyZKEqleyjljokPJ2dEO6It1_jQ4upg3YNsFluAWUoFzDJup_x0tFw6rADQkv1a5OPtj5PUSPqOF5Dmtc2n2z7cGTiVGV5mS7fW2V-ywDDAPQ/s200/Egg+Laid.JPG" width="200" /></a></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">No, 99.99 % of the population, will never make such a mistake. But
what the greater majority of that same population does not know how to do is to
cook an egg <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">to their full satisfaction</i>.
As we all know there are three states of boiled egg: soft, medium and hard. And
only all too many people can only get the hard-boiled egg right (by letting it
cook for 20 minutes…). When they try to produce a soft-boiled egg, it often comes
out like runny goo. When they aspire to a semi-soft egg (and most do), it usually
turns out too hard. A family breakfast fails dismally once again… Lawyers and
divorce papers appear on the horizon…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">All sorts of ingenious devices have been invented, produced, brought
onto the market and propagandized to help house wives and tennis champions to
produce the boiled eggs of their choice and preference. There are kitchen
timers, hour glasses, miniature pressure cookers, smart phone apps, litmus
tests and termo-chemical adhesive strips that must be wrapped around the egg
shell and change colour when the prescribed cooking period has passed. In ultra
religious Spain there even used to be an apostolically approved pious method to
guarantee the perfect egg: a house wife would mutter four Ave Maria’s over the
pan for a soft boiled egg, six for a semi-soft one, and an entire rosary for
the harder variety. The Holy Virgin of Miracles took care, we hope, of the rest…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">But all this is perfectly needless. Come now, people: it ain’t
rocket science. If only you know what you’re doing, you will need no expensive
aids, electronic devices, satellite guidance or help from on high. All you need
are the instructions from a man who knows what he’s doing, and the discipline
to follow those instructions <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">to the
letter</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">So here is… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi8M0ucGZtHWe_q78eOzaLB_ZtloSu2WKhw3VuqfKPNiN-WuaTgVrO82-9jIWBSTohDrdRTMo-PpnLoRKLs6GiHXoeS8eOcLXeDMcF1TDqqIyByw6qYM-ERUoRVvblQL5uZYX1JLG6W58/s1600/IMG_4845.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi8M0ucGZtHWe_q78eOzaLB_ZtloSu2WKhw3VuqfKPNiN-WuaTgVrO82-9jIWBSTohDrdRTMo-PpnLoRKLs6GiHXoeS8eOcLXeDMcF1TDqqIyByw6qYM-ERUoRVvblQL5uZYX1JLG6W58/s320/IMG_4845.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB">Alfred B. Mittington’s ‘Correct
Way To Boil An Egg…’<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Put a normal sized egg in a pan and fill the pan with cold water
until the egg is completely submerged. Do not punch holes in the shell or
mistreat the egg in any other way. It makes no sense and no difference for the
end result. Do not use already boiling water either; it will completely disturb
the timing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Put half a teaspoon of salt, or a fair splash of vinegar into the
water. This raises the boiling temperature slightly, but – more importantly –
it seals a crack if the shell happens to burst, so that you do not end up with
an empty wind-egg floating in ugly egg soup.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Put the pan onto a high fire and bring to a boil.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">As soon as sturdy, unstoppable bubbles rise up from beneath the egg,
making it dance, lower the fire to medium height (the water must continue to
bubble) and bring out the stopwatch or any other sort of watch with a
second-hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">From this very moment: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you want a soft-boiled
egg: count 3 minutes, and not a second more!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you want a semi-soft
egg: count 4 minutes, and not a second more!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you want a hard-boiled
egg: let the water boil for 5 minutes at least. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">As soon as the prescribed time is over – and not a second more! –
remove the egg from the pan and submerge it entirely in cold water. This stops
the congealing process. If you want your egg warm, you can take it out of it
cool bath after some 30 seconds and serve it. If you want your egg cold you
will need to keep it in there for a considerable time (10 minutes usually).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-37888452300880208952016-03-13T10:50:00.000+01:002016-03-13T10:51:02.291+01:00Golden Quotebook: Ambrose Bierce on reliquaries<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJqp9oNoYtEb7bkYTdAbpBIWMgoDCTMoatMece7hW7EHK04qM6zP_IfHhZdo7bqz9Lg3CURg-D8IdPLfkawj3N-qZG_tR0sQH3QuhnmCguAbfBwQI8TB2BjhHoxqXRZwOJQbR3JoOwrFI/s1600/Caurel+church+.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJqp9oNoYtEb7bkYTdAbpBIWMgoDCTMoatMece7hW7EHK04qM6zP_IfHhZdo7bqz9Lg3CURg-D8IdPLfkawj3N-qZG_tR0sQH3QuhnmCguAbfBwQI8TB2BjhHoxqXRZwOJQbR3JoOwrFI/s320/Caurel+church+.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Well, as it is Sunday and time for some light relief from a short hilarious quote, I offer you today the incomparable wit of Ambrose Bierce's 'Devil's Dictionary' on the subject of reliquaries.<br />
<br />
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<!--StartFragment--><i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 11.0pt; letter-spacing: -0.1pt;">RELIQUARY, n.
A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the true cross,
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noses of the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three
times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan in
the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library.
Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body of
doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the diocesan that the offender was
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-16754119509607856022015-12-21T11:21:00.002+01:002015-12-21T11:21:46.515+01:00Humpty-dumpty parliament<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjcZnZnelxJs3FREQxbVuGzy8zN2385SCrIJFn8RnNJ1Vq4nSC6NaKiwSyjHSt7DlXBwYtOvJAPhqoxt6M1sXcPfVpvFxsCtcxHqGjejEDFjYSPVuLQlel9CbfuaZPJ5CrqOuq6_SAU3Y/s1600/Humpty_Dumpty_1_-_WW_Denslow_-_Project_Gutenberg_etext_18546.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjcZnZnelxJs3FREQxbVuGzy8zN2385SCrIJFn8RnNJ1Vq4nSC6NaKiwSyjHSt7DlXBwYtOvJAPhqoxt6M1sXcPfVpvFxsCtcxHqGjejEDFjYSPVuLQlel9CbfuaZPJ5CrqOuq6_SAU3Y/s320/Humpty_Dumpty_1_-_WW_Denslow_-_Project_Gutenberg_etext_18546.jpg" width="250" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Sometimes silence is better than gold, dear reader. And today is one
such day. When I got up this morning, it was with the intent of writing an
elaborate, lengthy, well-argued and utterly profound analysis of yesterday’s
general elections in Spain. But what do you think I discovered, when – for a
quick check-up - I re-read previous political comments Alfred B Mittington had
made? Well, I discovered that the Mittington Analysis of the municipal
elections of May 24<sup>th</sup> last, is still perfectly valid and applicable
to yesterday’s national elections! All you need to do is ignore the timeframe
and pretend we’re talking about the national parliament instead of local
councils. <a href="http://alfredmittington.blogspot.com.es/2015/05/victory-has-many-orphans.html">Read it here</a> if you’re interested. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So that simply leaves giving you yesterday’s results and the
forecast for the future. The former is pretty easy; the latter less so.
Limiting myself to the four big parties that really matter the seats won in the
Madrid Cortes are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">PP (conservative)<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>123<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Ciudadanos (liberal)<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>40<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">PSOE (socialist)<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>90<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Podemos (radical left)<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>69<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">This result is hailed as a triumph by the two new parties (Ciudadanos
and Podemos) and by everyone who is sick or tired of the old petrified two-party
system in which PP and PSOE alternated in power, both abusing it to their
heart’s delight when their turn came. However, it is one thing to applaud a
socio-political watershed for the history book, Max Weber style; and quite
another to govern a country in deep trouble, like Spain is today. This fragmented,
shattered & scattered, parliament obliges the political leadership to form
some sort of coalition; and even if Spaniards were temperamentally fit for that
(and believe me they are not!), it would still be an impossible job, as no
workable combination (i.e. naturally left-leaning or right-leaning) reaches the
parliamentary majority of 176 in the 350 seat lower house. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">You can do the math for yourselves; but believe ol’ Al’ when he says
that there are only two, equally unthinkable combinations which add up
numerically.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">The first is a coalition of the PP and the PSOE, good for over 210
seats This would be a laugh, after the 40 years these two have been at each
other’s throats like Cain and Abel, and it would immediately be seen as the
Coalition of the Biparty Dinosaurs, trying to hold on to their old dominance of
power. Let’s see how well that goes down with an electorate which has just
shown it is sick and tired of just that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYCKJ6R6Y4jEsMISDKoHFUNYL4O-Nsf7pOztPYsEJLuu9mIq7uSsRKJUxCpHKOLRFIsUJ9K1HV-UWwF8p19_d6S3YY00Ls_9-ZClkqJRZjYvYx87IToihl4knjQBIkmW3R624Rl3HxELo/s1600/macbeth-three-witches.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYCKJ6R6Y4jEsMISDKoHFUNYL4O-Nsf7pOztPYsEJLuu9mIq7uSsRKJUxCpHKOLRFIsUJ9K1HV-UWwF8p19_d6S3YY00Ls_9-ZClkqJRZjYvYx87IToihl4knjQBIkmW3R624Rl3HxELo/s320/macbeth-three-witches.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">'You first…' - 'No! You!'</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The second is what was already dubbed long ago as the Coalition of Losers:
PSOE, Podemos and Ciudadanos, leaving the formal victor out of the loop. In a
northern country, like Germany or The Netherland, this might work, as these
places have a long democratic history and much experience with the subtleties
of coalition-building and maintaining stability. But Spanish democracy is young
and passions are strong and honour is a (deadly) virtue among the Dons. So I
fail to see how these Three Graces could possibly decide upon a threesome. I
mean: one of them would have to undress first, and then they’d have to agree
upon all sorts of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">positions</i>…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">In short: Spain is living in interesting times, as the Chinese curse
goes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv2qK2MsTdle6hmj9lg3nuAPEsTDQ8pQUjc-Bi01xsZlqoFqVEgRTvEC3-O8lGv88TeaPYnVjZfax-QpbVCWRd_HprIE-k1LS1T3IjKs_gYxEtTKkfR3RKEahZv7l77lSuykmKjbHELRg/s1600/Bh13-c.28Gulliverwt.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhv2qK2MsTdle6hmj9lg3nuAPEsTDQ8pQUjc-Bi01xsZlqoFqVEgRTvEC3-O8lGv88TeaPYnVjZfax-QpbVCWRd_HprIE-k1LS1T3IjKs_gYxEtTKkfR3RKEahZv7l77lSuykmKjbHELRg/s320/Bh13-c.28Gulliverwt.jpg" width="320" /></a></o:p></span></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">You want my wildest guess as to the future? My wildest guess is that
they will put in some minority government supported by the tiny arms of a whole
range of Lilliput lower house factions. It will be the shortest-lived
government of Spanish democracy; and in 2016 we’ll have new elections. And then
let’s see if the Bipartisan Jurassic truly ended yesterday evening…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-72949609682738674482015-10-12T12:32:00.000+02:002015-10-12T12:32:06.767+02:00Photoshop Phraud<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Recently, and all over the globe, an epidemic of scandals has broken
out concerning the horrible and hypocrite use of the Photoshop program to jazz
things up and make people appear far more sexy and youthful than they are in
their flesh and blood. I must say the indignation of the public is justified.
The things you see are shocking! Society matrons who are far beyond their
sell-by date are made to look like fillies straight out of the stud farm; top
models are moulded and polished and liposucked the pixel way until they are
beyond all recognition; and even politicians are being digitally enhanced so as
to increase their potential to attract electoral attention (I mean… does
anybody really think that hair on Mr Trump’s skull is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">real</i>??)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Now, normally, Alfred B Mittington could not care less about such <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Vanitas Vanitatum</i> of the under-aged world
into which he was born far too early… But he draws the line, dear reader, there
where these Digital Reprobates and Barefacebookies tamper with the respectable
appearance of a dear old close personal friend of his, who cannot defend
himself for being dead! How dare they! J’Accuse with a vengeance, and I will
soon take legal action against the lads and lassies who dared to turn this
picture of dear old Winston:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihvel7mvB1C7Wn5iB_f_XyCzUQ1oRD_AdOPU5fo1CwI0UEqTVjeeWAm2xx2y4mAsTRjJ6Cr4ZU6eHHtMHUHpU1t5FNaJ5eatbQjxeY63n39OoXD8udaLe0THtY0sOxtN1ugUQL3jzoDcU/s1600/Sir_Winston_S_Churchill.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihvel7mvB1C7Wn5iB_f_XyCzUQ1oRD_AdOPU5fo1CwI0UEqTVjeeWAm2xx2y4mAsTRjJ6Cr4ZU6eHHtMHUHpU1t5FNaJ5eatbQjxeY63n39OoXD8udaLe0THtY0sOxtN1ugUQL3jzoDcU/s320/Sir_Winston_S_Churchill.jpg" width="256" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Into THIS shocking travesty of truth for the advertisements of a top
hat manufacturer:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV4AQCRg7u5Xbu1HvEAaEOFBs-VzvuVIjfZRomuH_N_D7L45OaKA94XzrC5hIHFKGsH_tsH1EmQTYExBSMtagJ-k-BlY4Q1DaxLGY1jZ4hvqRE9Y-0UclNMNxTZu6xXy6i4gGKspSh3i8/s1600/Dietrich+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV4AQCRg7u5Xbu1HvEAaEOFBs-VzvuVIjfZRomuH_N_D7L45OaKA94XzrC5hIHFKGsH_tsH1EmQTYExBSMtagJ-k-BlY4Q1DaxLGY1jZ4hvqRE9Y-0UclNMNxTZu6xXy6i4gGKspSh3i8/s400/Dietrich+2.jpg" width="276" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Shame, I say! Shame shame shame…!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-40922321727932397292015-08-29T11:47:00.003+02:002015-08-29T11:53:36.540+02:00Ten selfies of the Invisible Man<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Now that the holidays are over, it is time to share our snapshots with the rest of humanity. As I myself do not use them modern digital devices, and the tripod of the Camera Obscurae really becomes a little too heavy and clumsy to schlepp around at my age, I have asked a good old friend to provide me with his holiday pictures. And so I offer you today, dear reader, a unique peek into the Selfies of the Invisible Man, snapped during his recent World Tour.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In the Kheops Burial chamber, Giza</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At the Victoria Falls</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Before the Coliseum, Rome</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gibraltar</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Père Lachaise, Paris</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taking coffee in Florence with his wife</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In front of the Tree of Ténéré, Niger</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At the Norwegian coast</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHG3W1JRNf_ctekTHRSv1wdkWHa_-NtnMB2p0hPccgK3P6eXLIv8n2D7-OD4KHRahLdL_gHfr4gV81A3JHhtCsb_cAEatEqGy4uNZnv9ntNwdPZgNBWaw7dbwITYi1UX9jMicid7Xh4B4/s1600/Toros+de+Guisando.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHG3W1JRNf_ctekTHRSv1wdkWHa_-NtnMB2p0hPccgK3P6eXLIv8n2D7-OD4KHRahLdL_gHfr4gV81A3JHhtCsb_cAEatEqGy4uNZnv9ntNwdPZgNBWaw7dbwITYi1UX9jMicid7Xh4B4/s320/Toros+de+Guisando.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sitting on the Toros de Guisando, Avila, Spain</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOHu0mGa6QHONYFov39KpAKM5KBDVnsOp6ISk8jnWZTayIh5wwUUi1EZRcSxJ8z1hqD-M0yftm9XN1lfa-_BhLK8kLnQWd81mtD-k6xRB7kKoJTpKiFtp67N6jxJtsm-lNhFgBYQ1wX_E/s1600/South+Pole+Invisible+Man.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOHu0mGa6QHONYFov39KpAKM5KBDVnsOp6ISk8jnWZTayIh5wwUUi1EZRcSxJ8z1hqD-M0yftm9XN1lfa-_BhLK8kLnQWd81mtD-k6xRB7kKoJTpKiFtp67N6jxJtsm-lNhFgBYQ1wX_E/s1600/South+Pole+Invisible+Man.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">South Pole !!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-90861782224266036452015-07-03T17:27:00.001+02:002015-07-03T17:42:12.620+02:00It is Scylla and Charybdis for our time!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX-ZaRYLmKJWYt-lQZ9CYTQCa3sWNymZTxiQhrDXogN-wFn3G_wgRE7BXAHRAxjy2NUM8Y_trQlL5sLsVAPibZ2mHW9IY-p5GuxkupANRuqZ5nxNqVUUsSSX3CItyYKKRd7fxHA45LkQk/s1600/S%2526C+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX-ZaRYLmKJWYt-lQZ9CYTQCa3sWNymZTxiQhrDXogN-wFn3G_wgRE7BXAHRAxjy2NUM8Y_trQlL5sLsVAPibZ2mHW9IY-p5GuxkupANRuqZ5nxNqVUUsSSX3CItyYKKRd7fxHA45LkQk/s400/S%2526C+3.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Dear reader, I cannot tell what the Greeks should vote in the coming
Referendum. The choice between the Scylla and Charybdis of the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oxi</i> and the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nai</i>, the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yes</i> or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No</i>, the sink or founder, is like asking
them to chose between death by hanging or by electric chair. So Alfred B
Mittingon refrains from taking a position, and from making predictions as to
what will happen next Sunday.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">What I do know, however, is that the Brussels Eurogues will use the
outcome, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">whatever it is</i></b>, to get rid of the Syriza government. They will
use a No vote to the Austerity Deal as a convenient excuse to refuse any
further dialogue with ‘an intransigent regime of upstart radicals’ (or words to
that effect), and allow Greece to plunge into total chaos, which will lead to new
elections; while a Yes vote implies that the Syriza government has lost its
mandate to resist the Abominable Troika, and has no choice but to step down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Soon after, through new elections or – preferably of course – by simple
backroom horse trading, the previous government will return to power. A
government led by Mr Samaras of Nea Demokratia, in combination with the good
old PASOK and a few more spineless fringe parties; the same folk, that is, who plunged
Greece into its present plight by their corruption, clientelism, cronyism and
abuse of public funds. The same who lied through their teeth to have Greece
join the Euro. The same who borrowed to their heart’s delight to buy votes and fill
their party coffers. Europe will welcome them with open arms, because ‘they may
be bastards, but they are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">OUR</i> bastards’.
They are our friends. They are our lackeys, who will do our bidding and follow orders.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">And here is the true irony. As soon as this new obedient rogue
regime has taken office, the Troika and the Brussels Nomenklatura will miraculously
see the light, and grand the country a gigantic debt relief (to be shouldered
by the European taxpayer) because they suddenly recognize that not in a
thousand years a tiny country in the present state of depression can repay the
entire burden of institutional debts (why do you think the ever cautious IMF
yesterday hinted at precisely such a thing?) Thus, the friendly new cabinet of
yesterday’s kleptocrats will be granted the very deal which would have made Mr
Tsipras and Mr Varufakis gladly accept the ‘rescue’ program. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">But it could not be done before, you see; because doing so would
have given a lease on life to a rebellious regime which dared to stand up to EU
Diktats. And that was unthinkable. For getting rid of the elected enemy has
been the first priority of our Brussels Masters in what they passed off as
negotiations ever since January. Syriza had to be crushed. And crushed they
will be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I leave you with a dark and gloomy thought: when all is said and
done and the bottom line is reached, Mr Tsipras has been doing the Brussels
Beurocracy the greatest imaginable favour an adversary ever bestowed on his
foe. It was obvious from the start, and got clearer by the day, that the Greek
debt situation was going to implode and lead to Grexit if not worse. Now, however,
the Junckers and the Dijsselbloems, the Merkels and the Schläubes, the Tusks,
the Schulzes, the Draghis and all the other heartless Eurogues can blame the
denouement, not on the rotten structure of their Eurozone, but on the evil
doings of a handful of communist radicals. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I hear a sigh of relief from the banks of the Spree, the Seine and
the Senne. I hear the flexing of monstrous muscles in preparation of the next
move…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Brace yourselves, ye Europeans! Very soon Scylla and Charybdis will be
coming for you as well!</span></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-697086021613833952015-07-02T14:05:00.000+02:002015-07-02T14:21:59.908+02:00Golden Quotebook: Charles Colson on the Family Jewels<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj10mNgibTzOthjVWXqosWYqbaX6pmzoHOewGEhyphenhyphen4rA6hGfkytOC2QO6e17dYyhc8vQ1mtIDyWr8XB_uE2jq5qB_bOuPuVEA12AgGAyTEpUJJplAQ2yMQvwMvL1DLYH8gVXG2hxTOEgBh8/s1600/quotebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj10mNgibTzOthjVWXqosWYqbaX6pmzoHOewGEhyphenhyphen4rA6hGfkytOC2QO6e17dYyhc8vQ1mtIDyWr8XB_uE2jq5qB_bOuPuVEA12AgGAyTEpUJJplAQ2yMQvwMvL1DLYH8gVXG2hxTOEgBh8/s320/quotebook.jpg" width="267" /></a></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN-GB">The tangle, the defiance, the challenge and the reckless gamble by
all involved in the coming Greek referendum, immediately brought to my mind a
somewhat rough, but certainly utterly honest observation by Charles “Chuck” Wendell
Colson. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Mr Colson used to be a special assistant to President Richard Nixon
back in the 70s, and in that capacity performed a number of rather disreputable
tasks, among other things (the more amusing ones you can <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Colson">read up on here</a>) the
organisation of the Watergate burglary that ultimately brought the Nixon
administration down. For this and many other transgressions he served a prison
term, after which – to his credit – he saw the Light, found the Lord and did
his best to make up for his many sins as a preacher and a conscientious
Christian.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Chuck Colson was, if anything, a ruthless <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Realpolitker </i>(it was said by one who did not even dislike him all
that much, that he was ‘The Evil Genius of an Evil Administration’, who
wouldn’t think twice about walking over his own grandmother if this were
necessary to win a re-election…), and he believed that the way to political
popularity often involved a certain dose of pressure. Or, as he himself put it
in far more flowery terms than my own:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 35.4pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 16.0pt;">Once you have them by the balls, their hearts and
minds will follow…!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">This, dear reader, is of course what today the Brussels <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nomenklatura</i> firmly believes about the
Greek populace. Let them sweat! Let them starve! Let them panic and make them
bleed! Never give in an inch, and then they will learn to love us!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">They may well be right, for bullying often works wonders. But
anybody who – like myself - has ever read a history book about the roughly
2,500 years of Greek history, say from the Battle of Thermopylae through the
Ottoman Empire to the Greek War of Independence and the German Occupation,
surely will share my doubts… Yes, the Greeks may be a little bad and a little
mad, but you cannot beat them when it comes to pride and dignity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Next Sunday will tell…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-89466548996872095342015-06-14T17:20:00.001+02:002015-06-14T17:20:48.042+02:00Obituary of the Undead and the Immortal<br />
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<span lang="EN-GB">A sad week this is, dear reader. Two fine men passed away in the
last few days. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The first is Sir Christopher Lee, who for my generation will always
be the first, the foremost and the ultimate Dracula to fill the silver screen
with his glittering performance. A man of taste and sophistication, with a
splendid war record and a host of exquisite roles to his name, Lee defied the
Grim Reaper for many decades on end. He lived to 93, no less! Which is a bit of
an irony, since – as a highly educated man with an extensive knowledge of the
classics – he must have known Menander’s famous dictum: ‘Those whom the gods
love, die young.’ His solution out of this tangle was ingenious: as the Undead
Count from Transylvania, he simply died a thousands deaths in twenty vampire
movies, only to resuscitate again for any next performance. What a glorious
manner to prove a Greek playwright wrong! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The other lamentable loss this week is Ornette Coleman, the
controversial, ever innovative saxophone player who took Free Jazz to a whole
new level. I only had the pleasure of seeing him perform in public once, at a
jazz festival in Groningen (the utmost north of the Netherlands) back in 1980,
where three feet away from me, he performed a feat I have never witnessed since:
playing uninterruptedly for nearly ten minutes by the technique of circular
breathing (i.e. the performer fills his cheeks with air like a chipmunk
hoarding nuts; then uses that air to continue playing while he fills his lungs
with fresh air through his nose; and repeating that process again so that the
stream of music is never interrupted for a single moment while taking breath).
It was magnificent. It was close to divine. And it reminded me that for the
ancient Egyptians, as for the ancient Jews, air and breath equalled soul and
life. A man who is physically capable of pulling off such a feat, certainly
deserves his undying fame and immortality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">RIP both of you fine fellows!</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-40065550738014487932015-05-30T17:25:00.000+02:002015-05-30T17:25:53.697+02:00Victory has many orphans...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6LtqS5_yWlVCt3gq9AO0I6PnXSy4clkba3yOyhfkzy3m5s_IYGZ9FFiuJmnwSTdOaWJ5QdFKBjwCGxjKTxPCQ-ptgBZmRdxtdmOCn5ZQbXQx0EtloUsffii_UVxeCfRfFDglc4PJ-u6w/s1600/Pyrrhus.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6LtqS5_yWlVCt3gq9AO0I6PnXSy4clkba3yOyhfkzy3m5s_IYGZ9FFiuJmnwSTdOaWJ5QdFKBjwCGxjKTxPCQ-ptgBZmRdxtdmOCn5ZQbXQx0EtloUsffii_UVxeCfRfFDglc4PJ-u6w/s400/Pyrrhus.gif" width="245" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A victory of King Phyrrus</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB">It is remarkable, dear reader, how electoral results can be
differently perceived by different cultures. Allow me to explain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Last Sunday 24 May, municipal and provincial elections were held in
Spain. The results were not surprising (since they had been pretty adequately
predicted) but still represented a thorough shake-up of dusty things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">On a national scale, the governing PP, conservative, pocketed some 27
% of the vote. This was down about 10 % from earlier elections, both general
and local, in 2011. The opposition PSOE, socialist, reached some 25 %, about 5
% less than in 2011. Two new upstart parties, scions of the economic crisis and
popular indignation over widespread corruption, did not do too badly. The centre-left-yet-often-right-of-centre
(yeah, square me <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> circle!)
Cuidadanos party got almost 7 % of the vote nationwide, and the flamboyant,
radical left Podemos, in so far as it may be calculated (for
politico-philosophical reasons, they did not participate in every town and
province), seems to attract anywhere between 10 and 20 %.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">How would you read these results (assuming you are not yourself
Spanish)? Well: in any northern democracy based on Proportional Representation,
this would count as a resounding victory for the PP. Not only the party won the
most votes nationwide, but it also ended up as the biggest party in most towns,
cities and provinces. Yes, of course they lost a big chunk of the vote compared
with previous elections; but their performance is not short of a miracle,
considering that the party has been in office for four hard years; that its mayor
accomplishment consists in not making the economic situation any worse; that,
in order to do so, its government took from the poor to give to the rich; and finally
that it is riddled with so many cases of astounding, shameless, mind-boggling
corruption from the very highest levels to the lowest, that it might be said to
be corrupt up to its bone-marrow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">But how are these results read by Spaniards themselves, on
television, in the papers, and in the social media? Well, rather differently,
to put it mildly. There is deep depression and near panic in the PP, and jubilant
euphoria in all their adversaries, because the reigning party has suffered such
a considerable setback. The crux seems to be, that losing Power Absolute, which
the PP enjoyed in countless places and still enjoys in the national parliament,
and which, apparently, is seen as the only manner of governing efficiently, equals
total defeat, a thing of horrible shame, a catastrophe of epic proportions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Meanwhile, the two new upstart parties tire not of pointing out that
Change has now begun and that the old tradition bi-party system of the last 40
years, which divided and alternated power equally between PP and PSOE, has come
to a final end. A fresh new rosy-fingered dawn is here to stay and usher in the
Millennium…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhroVXyU0ip0LrgYIB2OuokT4V3Sm4LHl9Tsu2NNgCthkyyRuX2sHc9pFdvmjJRstECHspnI3yB4C4GJOgto87j9rnby58P1QPTBf0BqMKHOgIA_0yUbdEGa9gR8R-i8Z9Gbka3gHCfnag/s1600/the-fruits-of-victory.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhroVXyU0ip0LrgYIB2OuokT4V3Sm4LHl9Tsu2NNgCthkyyRuX2sHc9pFdvmjJRstECHspnI3yB4C4GJOgto87j9rnby58P1QPTBf0BqMKHOgIA_0yUbdEGa9gR8R-i8Z9Gbka3gHCfnag/s320/the-fruits-of-victory.jpg" width="210" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On the bottom right: sour grapes</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Where they get it from frankly beats me. For the above results - in
the humble view of Alfred B Mittington - spell neither catastrophe for the PP
nor the Glorious Dawning of The Age of Aquarius for our fresh new players in
the Spanish political arena.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">For starters: it remains to be seen if the unstoppable forward march
of the new ‘third way parties’ indeed holds out, or if, in due time, things
swing back, the ‘waters return to their riverbed’ as the Spaniards say, and ‘bi-partyism’
re-establishes itself once again. Podemos, for one, typically peaked last
December, and Ciudadanos may have done well for a first time contender, but 7 %
of the vote is not exactly a landslide…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">More importantly still is the fact that Ciudadanos and Podemos did
not arrogate to themselves the main part of their vote from the two traditional
behemoths, but got their gains mainly from earlier ‘third way’ small groupings.
Ciudadanos simply obliterated a party called UPyD, with whom it even tried to
merge a few months ago; while Podemos absorbed an immense share of the vote
from the old, senior far-left party Izquierda Unida. So much for Crucial Change.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Lastly, there is the little hurdle of Spanish electoral law which –
much as I find it impossible to truly fathom – has all the qualities and
pitfalls of Britain’s First Past The Post system, heavily favouring the bigger
parties and local chauvinistic ones. If in the General Elections of next
autumn, the results are numerically comparable to the ones of last Sunday, both
new parties will attract a nice share of the vote, but will see their gains reduced
to smithereens when it comes to seats in Parliament. This was always the fate
of Izquierda Unida, which invariably got loads of votes nationwide, which then
translated into a mere handful of seats; while localist and separatist parties,
concentrated in a single linguistic and cultural area, got many more seats for
far fewer votes (1). Just as in Britain (<a href="http://alfredmittington.blogspot.com.es/2015/05/what-if-electoral-system-were.html">remember Ukip, the Greens and the SNP</a>),
the weight of your vote depends on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">where</i>
you cast it; almost as if different kinds of gravity were at work in different
spots of the electoral landscape. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">What next? Well, everything is really on hold until the next General
Elections this autumn. Due to the splintered results, in all sorts of town
halls and most provinces, coalition governments must somehow be welded
together. This is no easy thing in Spain, where parties thoroughly dislike and
despise one another and ruling by unassailable absolute majority is the
greatest political pleasure. In some spots, where various national and local
opposition parties have raked in sufficient seats, both traditional big parties
may perhaps be kept out of local government. But in many others where either PP
or PSOE made a strong enough showing, life is going to be a bitch. For neither
Ciudadanos nor Podemos – whose very essence and trademark is the battle again
the bi-party system – can for the moment afford to be seen as just another
spineless coalition partner helping to power one of the big parties whom they
always said they abhorred. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Naturally, Ciudadanos has it easier here than Podemos. The
I’m-as-right-wing-as-I’m-left-wing formation can conceivably strike some deals with
the PP and some with the PSOE, say something lofty about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Governability</i> and putting the Country First, and maintain their
immaculate political virginity since they sleep with both opponents. Podemos,
however, does not have that option. It can and will never strike a deal with
the arch-enemy PP, and so has to reveal itself as the handmaid to the Social
Democrats or, alternatively, open itself up to criticism of only wanting total
power and not helping out to give citizens good governance. In short: whatever
they do, they are doomed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">It will be a true mess over the next six months; but will there be
true change? I doubt it. And so good old Alfred B Mittington, who has seen it
all over a long long lifetime, predicts that there will be no earthquake at all
next November. There will only be a minor landslide of mud. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">(1) Essentially this system was designed
back in the late 1970s to ensure the support of the Basque and Catalan
nationalistic forces for the post-Dictatorship Constitution. As such it made
sense at the time. The consequences are, however, somewhat wry. In the 2008
general elections, for instance, Izquierda Unida, with 1,000,000 votes,
received 2 seats in the </span><i style="font-size: 10pt;">Cortes</i><span style="font-size: 10pt;">. The
bourgeois-nationalistic Catalan CiU, with 775,000, got 11 seats. The left
radical Catalan ERC scored 3 seats on the basis of 300,000 votes. And - top of
the pops! – the bourgeois-nationalistic Basque PNV got 6 seats for a mere
303,000 votes, which means three times more MPs for a third of the votes raked
in by IU… A factor of 9!</span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-56796781949167862782015-05-24T16:31:00.000+02:002015-05-24T16:31:15.225+02:00Hold your breath for the Hermaphrodite!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiujcmJOud3eKtXtLd0GlNMTo6DqW5zMepGW4DFl_uoVdfN3CTtNEz-glwLcrcS_B_0vYIYZr9_vMAYBKVunuCWHfwo-5gbBADMdBvNqUAGKtua01j8vt7u_ti7GlBun4hyCoESwaTwtK0/s1600/Hermafr+6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiujcmJOud3eKtXtLd0GlNMTo6DqW5zMepGW4DFl_uoVdfN3CTtNEz-glwLcrcS_B_0vYIYZr9_vMAYBKVunuCWHfwo-5gbBADMdBvNqUAGKtua01j8vt7u_ti7GlBun4hyCoESwaTwtK0/s400/Hermafr+6.jpg" width="178" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Oh Horror! Oh Tragedy! Oh Unjust and Undeserved Irony! On the very
same day that Ireland voted overwhelmingly for the legalisation of gay marriage
(congrats, ye Emerald Islanders; Ah, if only you showed such backbone, stamina
and wisdom in your referendums on EU diktats and ukases!)… Exactly on that
happy day, then, a Swedish homophobe wins the European Song Contest in Vienna!!
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Is it a sinister revenge of Male Pig Chauvinism? Is it Karma’s
cynical way to compensate an unexpected swing of mankind’s moral pendulum? Was
it perhaps a rigged election, paid for by the taxes of the Tea Party? I can hardly
believe it. But truly mindboggling it is, dear reader! For the ESC is now famously
a gay love feast, an <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">agape</i> of
alternative lifestyles. Over the last 25 years or so, it has developed slowly
but most surely into a party <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">of the pansies,
by the pansies and for the pansies</i> – to use the charming, if somewhat anachronistic,
idiom of my youth.... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The juvenile fool in question, by the name of Mans Zelmerlow, declared
during his participation in a cooking program on national Swedish television (certainly
one of the most <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">macho</i> activities that
we know of…!) that he considered homosexuality ‘unnatural’ and ‘an abnormality’
and added that gays really should not be allowed to adopt children or produce
them by way of hired surrogate mothers… He then added that he had absolutely
nothing against homosexuals; an assurance which he repeated <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ad nauseam</i> during the following days when
the scandal broke over his not too well endowed little head…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">For yes, you surely can imagine the outcry, reader dear! All along the
line, Gay Rights activists denounced the young hulk, and the entire confederacy
of Song Festival Soothsayers predicted that this would cost him countless votes
and, most probably, the Prize. Well, surprise surprise: they were wrong. Indeed
it may have cost the fellow votes (and just imagine what a landslide he might
have enjoyed without that lamentable <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">faux
pas</i>!), but he did rise comfortably to the top of the chards in the end, and
the immortal laurels of a European Song Context victory were his… Soon, I
expect, he will repair the damage done to his PR by appearing in public with a
notorious, elderly, outspoken homosexual – Elton John, say, or Liberace – and
with a little luck we may hear him say that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">some
of his best friends are fagg---…. gays</i>!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Yet the damage is done, dear reader, and it cannot be allowed to remain
that way! The ESC badly needs to reaffirm its Gay Credentials after this most unfortunate
incident! And there is only one way to go about it: a new, original, even more
daring and audacious example of Alternative Lifestyles must be allowed to compete
and win Europe’s yearly bonfire of good taste and musical talent. Unfortunately
that is no easy matter. A simply Gay or Lesbian performer will no longer do the
trick. That has become common, blasé, jaded even. The new figurehead needs to
be far more eye-catching, flamboyant, and undeniably <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">symbolic</i> for the Triumph of Tolerance in the Fight for Equal Rights.
But where does one find such a figure, after the 1998 success of Israel’s Dana
International, a transsexual, and last year’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">coup</i> by Conchita Wurst, the crooning Bearded Lady? How many more
variations of mutated, intertwined gender biology are out there, ready to storm
the stage?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Well, take it from an old man, who has seen many splendours of human
creativity flower over a long lifetime. There are still two such specimen available,
who will live up to the task, and of whom I hope to welcome at least one in the
Sweden festival next year. The first is a functioning, certified Hermaphrodite.
This would, as a matter of fact, be my first choice, since it is only one step
up the ladder from the bearded lady we already enjoyed. Unfortunately, there is
a catch to that. In order for the world to really see and believe that it is a
singing Hermaphrodite it is watching on the telly, that person would have to,
well… <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">show the various assets</i> openly;
and this may of course run counter to European rules of media decency which of
late are getting no more lenient. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1AHh12Kk4rte4AtEg-jh4wDGXmGIYw13ftwXH2cIVfYW_3HsRegq7qwJxjNV7BcTn7dyoEWqk58txFTIOVHoYCmMvPGKvKJV_rCmcRXJ1nHvUC_zUBrBHhq-hTc4il4IUqVPXLDOCDEQ/s1600/Herma+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1AHh12Kk4rte4AtEg-jh4wDGXmGIYw13ftwXH2cIVfYW_3HsRegq7qwJxjNV7BcTn7dyoEWqk58txFTIOVHoYCmMvPGKvKJV_rCmcRXJ1nHvUC_zUBrBHhq-hTc4il4IUqVPXLDOCDEQ/s320/Herma+2.jpg" width="255" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Possible flashy outfit of the next ESC winner</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So, possibly, we will have to settle for the next best thing still
waiting in the wings: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the pregnant man</i>.
No, don’t laugh! Don’t scoff at poor Alfred B Mittington! For this jewel of the
surgeons’ art is already a reality. Back in the States a few years ago, a
transsexual gentleman, who had made sure that the doctors, during the necessary
interventions and operations, left the existing feminine reproductive organs in
place, gave birth to a child (the first of several as it happens). And it was
recently revealed (<a href="http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/pregnant-men-new-statistics-reveal-men-have-given-birth-to-54-babies-in-australia/story-fni0cx12-1227124085631">see here</a>) that in Australia, which yesterday for the first
time was allowed to participate and to vote in the European Song Contest, no
fewer than 54 babies were born to men.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So: for the Good of Diversity and the dignity of next year’s European
Song Contest, let’s just hope one of those happy antipodean <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Heila’s</i> knows how to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sing and dance</i>… !<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-2885959319723921922015-05-09T13:28:00.000+02:002015-05-09T21:40:27.027+02:00What if the electoral system were proportional?<br />
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<span lang="EN-GB">Well… The electoral circus is behind us, the nation has spoken, and
Mr Cameron is standing on a shiny new pedestal with the noose of a promised
EU-referendum dangling around his neck. I wish him well for the next five years
– if five years they be…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">But now that the true event is behind us, it is time to contemplate
in perfect calm the wondrous system which brought the Tory leader his
unexpected absolute majority. As everybody surely is aware, this is the
winner-takes-all ‘first past the post’ voting arrangement, in which the party most
voted in any of the 650 electoral boroughs gets the seat in parliament, never
mind if that party only received a tenth - or even less – of the ballot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Of course there are things to be said in favour of this system; the
most significant argument being that it tends to give the government a working
majority in the House of Commons, and avoids the muddled time-consuming coalition
negotiations and horse deals inherent in a proportional system of voting (see
for instance Belgium, which last time around was without a national government
for some 400 days; a period when, incidentally and ironically, the country was
not governed any worse than usual…) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">However, what cannot be said in favour of the present system is that
it is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fair</i>. It blatantly favours the
biggest parties – usually two – and flushes down the electoral toilet a
tremendous number of votes cast for smaller, often more idealistic parties,
whose voters effectively find themselves unrepresented for the next five years.
Just so that you be aware just how unfair the system is, dear reader, Alfred B.
Mittington has fiddled around with the numbers a little (he is good at that!)
and offers you below a comparison of the composition of the House of Commons
under the First Past The Post system and the alternative proportional representation,
based on yesterday’s results.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Just so you can check me: the total of the electorate stood at
roughly 46,500,000 yesterday. Of these, 66 % turned out to vote. So under the
proportional system, it would take slightly more than 47,000 votes to gain a
seat in parliament (30,700,000 of votes cast divided by 650 seats). And these are
the results:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b>Party<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>11334920<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>1<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>82<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>LibDems<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>2415888<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>SNP<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>1454436<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>4,7<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>Greens<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>1157613<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>Soc
Dem & Lab <o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>99809<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>0,3<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>2<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>Rest<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<td nowrap="" style="height: 15.0pt; padding: 0cm 3.5pt 0cm 3.5pt; width: 72.0pt;" valign="bottom" width="72"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<b>996059<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>3,4<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>18<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<td nowrap="" style="height: 15.0pt; padding: 0cm 3.5pt 0cm 3.5pt; width: 76.0pt;" valign="bottom" width="76"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<b>21<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b>TOTALS<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<td nowrap="" style="height: 15.0pt; padding: 0cm 3.5pt 0cm 3.5pt; width: 72.0pt;" valign="bottom" width="72"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<b>30687180<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<td nowrap="" style="height: 15.0pt; padding: 0cm 3.5pt 0cm 3.5pt; width: 51.0pt;" valign="bottom" width="51"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<b>100<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<td nowrap="" style="height: 15.0pt; padding: 0cm 3.5pt 0cm 3.5pt; width: 55.0pt;" valign="bottom" width="55"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<b>650<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<td nowrap="" style="height: 15.0pt; padding: 0cm 3.5pt 0cm 3.5pt; width: 76.0pt;" valign="bottom" width="76"><div align="right" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: right;">
<b>650<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Now, the British nation famously appreciates fairness; and so I dare
say that anyone with a head on his shoulder and a heart in his breast will admit
that – no matter one’s personal political preference – the present system is
ruthlessly unjust to parties like the Greens and UKIP, while favouring all at
once the big parties and the locally chauvinistic ones. Most blatant of all is
naturally that the third biggest party in the country finds itself with a
single seat for 12,6 % of the national vote; while a negligible pigmy like the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Social Democratic and Labour Party</i>
(anybody know what they stand for or where they live?) rakes in three seats on
the basis of 0,3 % of the ballot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Say what you will and by all means do disagree with Alfred B.
Mittington if so you desire; but you must admit that under the present system it clearly
matters less <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what</i> you vote, than <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">where</i> you vote! That is an unfairness which
really ought to be addressed. But anybody who looks at the above figures for
the dominant parties, will surely see at a glance why that will never happen…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-17317282768643270282015-05-06T16:16:00.000+02:002015-05-06T16:16:41.097+02:00Get my Goat!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ4aSAnfXaBMAbe24nSOI8L4_ncZGN619zdAz0bCoaJ1q0mL34vMF60WihVHwFEhMuIa4CIDesqJRCIwC4QNrJmHTK9bM2LMrAFAY0gqINoO4J4WhiLxkAR2yogw8OwPhrW-gP7tdEAZc/s1600/Escudo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ4aSAnfXaBMAbe24nSOI8L4_ncZGN619zdAz0bCoaJ1q0mL34vMF60WihVHwFEhMuIa4CIDesqJRCIwC4QNrJmHTK9bM2LMrAFAY0gqINoO4J4WhiLxkAR2yogw8OwPhrW-gP7tdEAZc/s1600/Escudo.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I am, dear reader, no fan of goats. I almost like them as little as
rabbits (and you gourmets who follow my cook blog know <a href="http://alfredmittington.blogspot.com.es/2012/10/cookbook-stew-of-evil-rabbit.html">what I think of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">them</i> nasty buggers</a>, don’t you?). Goats
are ugly, they stink, possess a most unpleasant personality, and excel in
horrid dietary practises, stripping innocent trees of their green sprouts, and
occasionally devouring newspapers and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>-
worse – the 11<sup>th</sup> volume of my Collected Works (‘Brief writings on
natural history and the meaning of the universe’), as one particularly vile and
ghastly billy goat dared to do back in the summer of 1963.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">But… no matter how ugly, stinking, unpleasant and wolfing goats may
be, they do not deserve to be treated as they used to be in Manganeses de la
Polvorosa – a charming little town in Old Castile, the pompousness of whose
name is only surpassed by the imbecility of the locals’ character. To put it in
a nut shell: every years during the village festivities of St Vincent, the most
Christian brotherhood of the local church tossed a live goat off the bell
tower, to the applause of the congregated village plebeians below. The idea was
to catch the animal in a life net, held up fireman-style between a number of
village toughs; but as all participants were inevitably stoned drunk, this
often went a little wrong… which only increased the fun, of course!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/vfPVgSqrzy0/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/vfPVgSqrzy0?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Needless to say, the European Union, which bravely stands up for all
the oppressed in the world (human, animal, plant or mineral), which has
Commissions to battle every Global Injustice from the racial discrimination of
chess pieces to the human rights of deformed cucumbers, never did anything against
such village feast practices, because, you see, such goings on are Art, High
Culture and Valuable Folkloric Tradition; and as such the rights of animal
abusers in half the European nations are protected in and under the admirable European
Constitution. It took the courage of a local mayor to forbid – in 2002! - this
yearly pass time of drunk boors and juveniles, and to replace the breathing
victim with a giant stuffed teddy bear. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Unfortunately, local mayors of such courage are few and far between
in Spain. Provincial governments are too busy robbing the till or running from
prosecution to be overly concerned with innocent fiesta fun. And the central
government – be they left wing or right wing, it makes no difference – deeply
loves and believes in regional folkloric traditions and would never lift a
finger in the name of civilisation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">And so – while the goat no longer drops in Manganeses – Spain is
still home to hundreds upon hundreds of crude, cruel, distasteful, sadistic and
brutish fiesta practices that nobody cares to do anything about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Ah, and they say that goats stink…!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">AnimAl B. Mittington<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">PS: I am planning to compose a list of cities, towns and villages
that continue in their barbarous fiesta ways, so that people of true Taste,
Sophistication, and Culture may shun those spots on their holidays and not
throw good money after bad habits. Suggestions from my readers are, naturally,
welcome. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-9914205061316772272015-03-14T18:32:00.000+01:002015-03-14T18:32:32.293+01:00Cookbook: Colin Davies’s (F)owl au Vin<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrf6xsWvawePuc1D57bMbd7jyYusQfYdaoGtnViArcE-mdD6eoKVO5O2v0jsC7nI5wTpUimio8OvDtyblEZj1bV0wikF8V9ELVoaN3PQR9azNbwpLIwWbnYbaEZe-1SsULHAjKdwe_UYg/s1600/Owl+plastic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrf6xsWvawePuc1D57bMbd7jyYusQfYdaoGtnViArcE-mdD6eoKVO5O2v0jsC7nI5wTpUimio8OvDtyblEZj1bV0wikF8V9ELVoaN3PQR9azNbwpLIwWbnYbaEZe-1SsULHAjKdwe_UYg/s1600/Owl+plastic.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">There are, dear reader, at large in this wayward and overcrowded world
of ours, all sorts of very weird people. There are such who walk with a chip on
their shoulder. There are those who wrap yellow ribbons around their neck to
remember a loved one, or weave green willow boughs around their hats to spite
one who has spurned them. Others yet again have bats in the belfry; buns in the
oven; or walk around with a fried egg on their head (although, <a href="https://vimeo.com/11206403">as the inimitable Ms Bette Midler observed</a>: ‘The ladies with the fried eggs on their
heads don’t generally come out until September or October…’)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Ah yes: it takes all kinds, and we
really ought to be tolerant to every folly which the Good Lord has put onto
this earth to amuse us…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">It becomes, however,
extraordinarily hard to muster the necessary lenience when such madness strikes
a close friend, who deserves better, whom one would like to protect from his
more irrational antics, and with whom one is regularly seen in public, with all
the inevitable consequences for one’s own immaculate reputation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: -72.0pt -36.0pt; text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And one such lamentable case unfortunately
is mine…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">My dear friend Colin Davies, born
in Liverpool (need I say more?) but lately of the charming Spanish town of
Pontevedra, a while ago fell victim to a serious ailment: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">columbidaephobia</i>, that is: the subclass of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ornithophobia</i> in which one experiences a deep, murderous,
blood-thirsty hatred of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pigeons</i>. Don’t
ask me why. He can’t stand the sight of the beasts. He would tear them to pieces
with his teeth… And of course they are all over his home town, so that one
wonders why he ever decided to live in an old historical Spanish city full of
decrepit stone buildings, which are a perfect breeding ground for these
charming little birds. Why not move to the Kalahari Desert, where pigeons are
rare, or the North Pole, where there are none? Oh well… To each his own, I say,
with all the leniency I can muster. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6wP1LMKlPugMcxrgrbILgRUA_U9t0oujAwLwwlE14yK3w3sFY_rhFSxiuH_dmU1H7dQJUPkKa0SqCwXzuXBuvlUNNpnkEP1MLrWhKyqEH5BRR3IrdKrxV5IknRIxSQ8A4mua5f2wM13U/s1600/Olive+5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6wP1LMKlPugMcxrgrbILgRUA_U9t0oujAwLwwlE14yK3w3sFY_rhFSxiuH_dmU1H7dQJUPkKa0SqCwXzuXBuvlUNNpnkEP1MLrWhKyqEH5BRR3IrdKrxV5IknRIxSQ8A4mua5f2wM13U/s1600/Olive+5.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A harmless pigeon</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">But worse than this innocuous loathing
itself, is that the good man has decided to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do
something about it</i>. You see, he next fell victim to the completely ludicrous
conviction that one could scare pigeons away by sculptural means. Believe it or
not, but the fellow started walking around the pleasant old town of Pontevedra,
which never did him no harm, with a huge, shockingly painted, hollow plastic
owl tugged in the hollow of his elbow, from café terrace to café terrace, from
restaurant to classical concert, from doctor’s consultancy to modern art
museum, in the morning, in the afternoon, in the depth of night… and only too
often in my embarrassed company…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Did it work? What do you think? Just
take a look at <a href="https://sanfranciscoba.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/plastic-owls-an-allegory/">the picture on this here blog</a>, and you will see for yourself how
well a hideous plastic owl scares city pigeons away… The only result the polypropylene
monstrosity effected was that passers-by stared at us weirdly, and whispered
dank phrase at each other, followed by hilarious laughter… </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrj6Vh4XHy6fBa6tpLruKvLG_FHzksRxisfmEkPzoS9kD7Llsr9BXe2c4RbraH3dbV_t_aXYi3RjVo4b18SXbwuR3-5e6GCLWqan7Q4E9VZ9uKuyT1kTu3cwS8CXtV-ShRonUS9XksKgc/s1600/Colin's%2B(f)owl.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrj6Vh4XHy6fBa6tpLruKvLG_FHzksRxisfmEkPzoS9kD7Llsr9BXe2c4RbraH3dbV_t_aXYi3RjVo4b18SXbwuR3-5e6GCLWqan7Q4E9VZ9uKuyT1kTu3cwS8CXtV-ShRonUS9XksKgc/s1600/Colin's%2B(f)owl.JPG" height="640" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is he. <br />The red face is the result of Albariño wine and Pontevedra sunshine.<br />The hideous colors on the owl are paint.</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I have therefore declared War on
Owls, dear reader. On all owls. Flesh and blood, feather and kapok, plastic,
stone, wood and even celluloid. I want them gone. I want them out of this
world. If, I say, we managed to exterminate the Dodo (which never did us no
wrong either) and the Elephant (which is on the way out) and the Platypus
(which will soon fall victim to its lack of looks and cuddliness…), then why
can’t we do something about a vicious night stalker that plays parasite to
small rodents and little kittens and babies left momentarily unattended in
their prams by their smartphony mamas??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Yes, it is high time that something
be done about it! And I shall start with the flesh & blood variety, as they
are the origin of all the trouble. Therefore I have whipped up this delicious recipe,
which is so very irresistible that soon house wives, caterers and restaurants
will wish to serve nothing else; demand for dead food owls will surge like an
eagle in the sky; and poachers will put a quick and efficient stop to the whole
despicable breed! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So here we go with <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Colin
Davies’s (F)owl au Vin (for two people)</span><o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Get <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">1 plucked and cleaned bird</b>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The bird may be any class or
species of owl, but preferably it should be a very young one. These tend to be more
tender, and they have the tremendous additional advantage that – if only their neck
is wrung early enough – they get no chance to procreate (which is the whole
point of this delicious recipe, after all…) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">If you have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> tried hard, and got a categorical No from every supermarket,
delicatessen, poulterer, zoo and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">volière</i>
in a 20 mile radius, you may also make this dish with a small free range <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">spring chicken</b> or <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">cornish hen</b> or whatever, as long you DO NOT use pigeon! Pigeons are
a harmless, innocent symbol of peace that deserve to enjoy life and liberty
until God calls them to His side!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Once you have your bird, pour
yourself a sparkly glass of <b>white wine</b>,
and enjoy the sight of that dead owl for a sweet, contemplative moment. Then flavour
the bird with a mixture of <b>salt, pepper,
some curry and some mustard powder</b> (if you can get it) and let it sit for
at least an hour. </div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Put a few drops of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">oil</b> into a deep casserole, and fry a
tiny slice of common <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">lard</b> until it
is brown and shrivelled. Take the slice out of the pan and throw it away. We
only need the fat, which lends this fried owl its particular aromatic flavour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Toss a generous chunk of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">sweet butter</b> into the casserole and
allow it to melt over a slow fire. Make sure it does not burn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Now fry the owl on all four sides
as you would do with a normal chicken. Once it has turned golden brown, lower
the fire to the minimum and let it simmer for 5 minutes more. In the meanwhile,
warm up at least <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">half a bottle of dry
white wine</b> in a saucepan. As this dish is dedicated to Colin Davies, I
suggest a quality Albariño, of which he is fond.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Pour the wine into the casserole,
and bring to a cautious boil. The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Fowl au
Vin</i> will come out best if the entire bird is submerged in the liquid; but
do not add water. Doing so spoils the taste. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Close the casserole and let the
bird simmer for 30 to 45 minutes. Then toss in a very tiny sprig of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">rosemary</b>, a teaspoon of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">sugar</b>, and – if you want to be
adventurous – a spoonful of soft <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">green
peppers</b>. Let it simmer a few minutes longer, and take the pan off the
stove. It is a good idea to let it cool off just a little before carving and serving.
Sprinkle some dry <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">parsley</b> on top,
for the colourful effect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB">Nota Bene</span></b><span lang="EN-GB">: if the sauce comes out too
greasy to the taste (which sometimes happens when you use too big a slice of
lard), mix a spoonful of corn flour with some water, toss it in, and let the
sauce simmer for another five minutes. This will absorb the grease, and the
meat only comes out more tender.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-78760346981268409252015-01-24T16:46:00.002+01:002016-11-25T06:42:12.954+01:00Crush them evil Greeks again !!!<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4udmw3zPilOzn-d_HPmK-puESZQZgya48pZ1ILDGNbLtiv18JTeHKvnfYXQdjCWslTM1C4W3Q7WRKBNKRdn-6Iv8OrsIRjkUB9ZnrUiUtoDOPahlvSTL9843QKZhtmH-Uo6CypQ8Oa0U/s1600/Timeline+-+495+BCE+-+Pericles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="195" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4udmw3zPilOzn-d_HPmK-puESZQZgya48pZ1ILDGNbLtiv18JTeHKvnfYXQdjCWslTM1C4W3Q7WRKBNKRdn-6Iv8OrsIRjkUB9ZnrUiUtoDOPahlvSTL9843QKZhtmH-Uo6CypQ8Oa0U/s1600/Timeline+-+495+BCE+-+Pericles.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Back in the year 2012, our Beloved Brussels Masters, they who run
the EU show, were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">horrified</i> to learn
that the Greek government, a decade before at the time of the introduction of
the Divine €uro, had cooked the books and lied through their teeth on their application
forms, so as to be allowed to join the single European currency. Oh shocked
shocked shocked our Masters were! How could such a thing ever have happened?
How could any governing official be so very <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">unscrupulous</i>
as to tell a profitable untruth? No, they had had no idea, our witless
Beurocrats; and no little red warning light had lit up in any of the
well-educated, well-groomed technocratic skulls when it turned out that the
wealthy, well-run, highly responsible and accountable country of Sweden, who
had likewise applied, did not meet the criteria for joining, while good old Mediterranean
Greece, never famous for its probity and fiscal morals, passed the test with
honors…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<span lang="EN-GB">With
Great Helmsmen like these, who needs cliffs and tempests??</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">No, they had not seen it coming. It took them completely by surprise.
And they were very <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">very</i> VERY angry…
So annoyed were they, that they swore to get even. Oh yes! An evil affront like
this, sprung on a blameless, innocent Empire-in-the-making, they wouldn’t let that
pass unpunished!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Recently, Tim Geithner, the then US Treasury Secretary, described in
his memoirs the mood of the EU bigwigs whom he met at the time during a G7
conclave in Canada. In a tone of sheer disbelief, he writes: ‘The Europeans
came into that meeting saying: “We’re going to teach the Greeks a lesson. They
are really terrible. They lied to us. They suck and they were profligate and took
advantage of the whole thing and we’re going to crush them.” [That] was their
basic attitude, [of] all of them.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">One can only gape and flabbergast, dear reader, at such incredible
infantility lurking in the minds of supposedly adult and responsible public
servants who pretend to be the best and the brightest that our poor old continent
has to offer. Their behaviour resembles that of a schoolboy romantically spurned
by a classmate, who swears vengeance by twittering embarrassing nude snapshots of
his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">obscure-objet-de-repugnance</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">But that toddler mind-set is not even the most awful thing about
this episode. The true horror lies elsewhere: in – and this may surprise you – <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the use of pronouns</i>. Yes! For, when
these hollow men in silk suits said that ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">they</i>
had lied to us, and we are going to crush <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">them’</i>,
they meant two completely different third person plurals, and two very different
sets of Greeks. The first ‘they’ referred to the corrupt, nepotistic, self-serving
old elite, consisting of the right wing Nea Democratia party and the socialist PASOK.
Those were the ones who had lied. But the others, the ‘them’ whom they were
going to crush mercilessly, were the Greek people. The children, the elderly,
the infirm, the unemployed, the disadvantaged and the weak. (I wrote on that
little theme before, as in <a href="http://alfredmittington.blogspot.com.es/2012/02/homo-homini-lucas-normal-0-21-false.html">this here article</a>…)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And who do you think would do the ‘crushing’ of that second ‘them’ at
the bidding of our Brussels Masters? Yes, you guessed it: the old corrupt,
self-serving, nepotistic, elite of PASOK and ND, who were more than willing to
obey the Brussels dictates and apply the salubrious austerity medicine of the
Abominable Troika, as long as they would be allowed to remain in power.
Astonishingly, these two old oligarchic parties, who for over half a century had
made a marvellous show of how they bitterly hated and despised one another like
rabid dogs and vicious cats (while they snugly alternated in power and took
turns at robbing the till), now welded themselves into a Grand Patriotic Coalition,
under the pretence of saving the Motherland! (1) And Brussels saw it, and Brussels
saw that it was good; for Brussels needed obedient elected lackeys in Athens power,
so as to administer a healthy, satisfying dose of Crushing of Greeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And now there are elections in Greece, and the chicken are coming
home to roost. For you can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people most of the time, but let it simmer long enough, and people will recognize
what is really going on. They will see, and suffer, the harm done by the old
political mafia in tandem and cahoots with the plastic foreign technocrats who
possess neither conscience nor human feeling. And then they will be fooled no
longer, and vote in an outsider who is NOT willing to do the bidding of Brussels
Apparatchiks building a Byzantine Empire. Enter Syriza…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfb_vsQ1G7bX90gStq6evmEVz-HJrPpdbsuyMl4ygFukcm0qyV5zKo5Zx6PFUkZIFQz5lBd9068BQ4bzAxSmhz_XbQk3e2DWkbRXiO_B4T3E7VR0ew05FPLXcsYZT0-uT2cnwF7KetyDo/s1600/7-2+Thucydides-Pericles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfb_vsQ1G7bX90gStq6evmEVz-HJrPpdbsuyMl4ygFukcm0qyV5zKo5Zx6PFUkZIFQz5lBd9068BQ4bzAxSmhz_XbQk3e2DWkbRXiO_B4T3E7VR0ew05FPLXcsYZT0-uT2cnwF7KetyDo/s1600/7-2+Thucydides-Pericles.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
Of course, this does not go down well in the corridors of Brussels
power. And so out they come, the Commissars, the Bankers, the Chancellors and
the Foreign Ministers, to warn the Greeks of the consequences if they vote for
‘the wrong party’ (Mr Juncker came up with that phrase…). Your banks will fail.
Your economy will collapse. Your international credit will evaporate. There
will be no more money for medicine, or petrol, or milks for the dear little
Greek children. You may have to leave the warm and comfortable Euro zone, and
the EU paradise… We may not help you…</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">The message is clear… If, in spite of our friendly, warm-hearted,
paternal warnings, the Greek electorate has the shameless audacity to vote for the
wrong party, one that is no EU lapdog and will play no Troika hangman, Brussels
will not only allow the country to leave the Eurozone and even the Union… No,
it will, once again crush them. It will do what it can to make the Grexit
punitive, disastrous, calamitous and an economic massacre. An example will be set,
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pour decourager les autres</i>. For
Brussels does not accept disobedience. And worse: it will not allow anyone to
escape unscathed from its heavenly project of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bringing Democracy and Prosperity to Europe</i>…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">So brace yourselves, ye descendants of Solon, Pericles and Demostenes!
The days of Democracy are over, and you vote, not with a show of hands, nor even
with your feet, but with your blood! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<span lang="EN-GB">So
be wise, and think twice, before you sign pacts that you will rue in the future…
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #1e1e1e; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #1e1e1e; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="color: #1e1e1e; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">(1) This supposed enmity
was always pretty fake. I just learned that the leader of Nea Democratia,
Antonis Samaras, used to share a room, back in his students day, with the long-time
leader of PASOK, George Papandreu…!! Will you believe it? One does wonder how
GREEK their relationship really was?? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoList" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoList" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-12191044646301555022014-12-15T15:21:00.000+01:002014-12-15T15:21:00.106+01:00Lettuce Enjoy !! (1)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQZDH_Qx9jjIGm72NOddaSjtMcaTxtKaO61DXLFbYvB_FrGBncqvxeMYl9AW-iQlDj-LNBy9vfjbtYJP8898CRBK63nnRJrPKXpNsUJfdNr_LI-qkuIrVmq-fWg8QpNx2GdVW9xzOXaVE/s1600/IMG_4566.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQZDH_Qx9jjIGm72NOddaSjtMcaTxtKaO61DXLFbYvB_FrGBncqvxeMYl9AW-iQlDj-LNBy9vfjbtYJP8898CRBK63nnRJrPKXpNsUJfdNr_LI-qkuIrVmq-fWg8QpNx2GdVW9xzOXaVE/s1600/IMG_4566.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
Is there a more modest, humble, self-effacing, yes - … even <i>saintly</i> vegetable than ordinary lettuce,
dear reader? Oh, I know: lettuce does not have many admirers. It has no fan
club, no Royal Amateur Society, it has not been declared Immaterial World
Heritage by the United Nations (one of the <i>very</i>
few human accomplishments which does NOT enjoy that honour by now). Sadly, lettuce
is the wallflower of the pantry and the fridge! It is so common, so taken for
granted, that even gets looked down upon. It is the butt of jokes. It gets
abused for the making of nasty metaphors. What to think, for instance, of this jibe
shot by Tom Holt (<i>Flying Dutch,</i> chapter
1) at some insignificant personality in the past of an even more insignificant
country:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="letter-spacing: -0.1pt;">His role in history was rather like that of lettuce in the average salad:</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="letter-spacing: -0.1pt;"> it achieves no useful purpose, but there's always a lot of it.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Oh, this certainly is
a phrase well coined, and I have no doubt that the nincompoop whom it describes
was a veritable epitome of irrelevance. But…. did poor <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lettuce</i> really deserve such denigrating treatment? Have we not all
eaten her with relish and radish, with pleasure and potato? Has not every
family gorged itself at least once a week on her fresh and lush young leaves? So
there <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">is</i> a lot of lettuce on the menu
and in the average salad… What of it? There is a lot of air and water in the
world as well - yet is that a reason to spit on breathing and drinking and
washing and airplanes?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">No, dear reader! That is not how one should treat the humble, the
lowly, the little leaf vegetables and the pawns of the plate! Instead we ought
to revere a plant that has given us so much and asked for so very little in
return! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lettuce Enjoy!</i> I therefore cry
with many master chefs of this world. And just to show you what miracles this
marvellous <i>Lactuca Sativa </i><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">may
perform, I will give you two splendid recipes that excel in both taste and
simple sophistication. Today the first one, which I baptise:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Laitue
aux fines herbes </span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></u></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Take a head of
lettuce. Remove the stems and clean the leaves with fresh water. Once they have
dried, break the leaves with your (clean) bare hands into reasonably sized parts
(do not use a knife!) Put these in a bowl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwg1VKju3W1xZBMzbIWK8SvvAjeyKRLZai7f4jRs8DZhXna6Wm1TqUqjcyVplt-0CQCcpwYqPMr0TzVB-dIRXvNGbDLJYdUQnYImfOs8q6b0Xo6DFV_DiNqU8PENd1rBqTmw_VCuWFCQg/s1600/IMG_4565.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwg1VKju3W1xZBMzbIWK8SvvAjeyKRLZai7f4jRs8DZhXna6Wm1TqUqjcyVplt-0CQCcpwYqPMr0TzVB-dIRXvNGbDLJYdUQnYImfOs8q6b0Xo6DFV_DiNqU8PENd1rBqTmw_VCuWFCQg/s1600/IMG_4565.JPG" height="204" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span>Chop and add:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Half a medium sized onion<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>One hard-boiled egg<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Half a tomato<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A small spoonful of capers<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Sprinkle on top – while
you listen to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYQaD2CAi9A&list=RDBYQaD2CAi9A#t=0">this classic Simon & Garfunkel song</a> - the following green
herbs (either fresh or dried):<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Dill (much)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oregano (to taste)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Tarragon (some)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Basil (some)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Parsley (much)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sage (if you cannot resist…)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Rosemary (if you must…)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>and Thyme (cautiously)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5R594r1P_fvYd5_Hs7A65vrlKMuMVGgel4Eo-UkyunY4f6IUVj6kt_KwSR1RxG2Ocjtgcpucd2rWu2UDU03hMU0NnYimcLFgwUmI_WPMuNEkix1NRQUWr8cCkjaRc24tVx_j40i7USxY/s1600/fines-herbes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5R594r1P_fvYd5_Hs7A65vrlKMuMVGgel4Eo-UkyunY4f6IUVj6kt_KwSR1RxG2Ocjtgcpucd2rWu2UDU03hMU0NnYimcLFgwUmI_WPMuNEkix1NRQUWr8cCkjaRc24tVx_j40i7USxY/s1600/fines-herbes.jpg" height="235" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Add salt and black
pepper to taste<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finally, toss in a
small splash of olive oil and a little lemon juice; then put in one or two
generous spoonfuls of your preferred quality Mayonnaise (bottled Mayo works
just fine).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Just before serving,
toss the salad well until all the ingredients are properly mixed, but with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Debonairetee</i>, if you please (see <a href="http://colindavies.blogspot.com.es/2014/12/life-in-spain-poor-spanish-gallego-v.html">the endof Colin Davies’s blog</a> for this gorgeous word…)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-align: justify; text-autospace: none; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-88345386505143420362014-10-12T14:03:00.000+02:002014-10-12T14:03:33.372+02:00Golden Quotebook: Bill Bryson on Chopsticks<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj6LDOsvHF63yo7YG2sOoCV3BweOScXNsn6RVSq2enSgQJn8IIdK3ncNanQRcuB46igzepARTEtpkIKogEP1BWA5ncrcbxLM0d5dnJguIRGfi6kQPBqvGU0dqvnFkzvYPyO9x6nKJA1OU/s1600/Chopsticks+fun.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj6LDOsvHF63yo7YG2sOoCV3BweOScXNsn6RVSq2enSgQJn8IIdK3ncNanQRcuB46igzepARTEtpkIKogEP1BWA5ncrcbxLM0d5dnJguIRGfi6kQPBqvGU0dqvnFkzvYPyO9x6nKJA1OU/s1600/Chopsticks+fun.png" height="320" width="272" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Great statement by an unknown artist of genius!</td></tr>
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<br />
<br />
A while ago, in an <a href="http://alfredmittington.blogspot.com.es/2013/06/cookbook-chopsticks-and-yulin-dogs.html">indignant article</a> about the horrid Chinese habit of frying life dogs, I also gave you a gentle piece of my mind, dear reader, concerning Chopsticks.<br />
<br />
Recently I ran in to another author of good taste and good sense, who also had a most amusing word to say about that most anachronistic invention. It comes from chapter 10 of <b>Bill Bryson</b>'s <i><b>'Notes from a small island'</b></i>, and goes like this:<br />
<br />
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<ul>
<li><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; letter-spacing: -0.1pt;"><span style="font-size: large; font-style: italic;">I can't say why exactly, but Chinese restaurants make me oddly uneasy,
particularly when I'm dining alone. I always feel that the waitress is saying:
'One beef Satay and fried rice for the imperialist dog at table five'. And I
find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a
people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of
other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years
haven't yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture
food? I spent a perplexed hour stabbing rice, dribbling sauce across the
tablecloth and lifting finely poised pieces of meat to my mouth only to
discover that they had mysteriously vanished and weren't to be found anywhere.
By the time I finished, the table looked as if it had been the centre of a
violent argument.</span></span></li>
</ul>
Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-79688081262947890112014-09-30T18:16:00.000+02:002014-10-01T13:46:34.928+02:00Sole Food Rosalia de Castro<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3QxAPRf_LDlaxedWokqrm5o9rEwNlH2m2HV3D7oGh4a-VJcFXgbj3uDFlvGuC3MEbb5QImQWErueGKzFVg7lTcWAnjS1b6ZsFiXXC_D2dMHMbFsiI9e47hg_cfX2LiRMQEQ7NEU0Gzaw/s1600/Rosalia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3QxAPRf_LDlaxedWokqrm5o9rEwNlH2m2HV3D7oGh4a-VJcFXgbj3uDFlvGuC3MEbb5QImQWErueGKzFVg7lTcWAnjS1b6ZsFiXXC_D2dMHMbFsiI9e47hg_cfX2LiRMQEQ7NEU0Gzaw/s1600/Rosalia.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Woooeeee…! Autumn is upon us, dear reader! It is here…. It lingers
all around us… In the grim fogs that drift into my valley each innocent morning
at dawn… In the chill breeze that enters through the window rashly left open, as
soon as the sun sinks helplessly behind the dark silhouette of the ever lower western
hills… In the smoke from the fireplaces that neighbours light for the first
time in many unworried months… The smoke caused by old abandoned bird nests, from
dead mummy-dry leaves gathered atop the damper, from old plastic and paper
mindlessly tossed into the hearth in happier days… Sneakily and unnoticed, the
vanguard of General Winter has conquered our defenceless Shangri-La!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">April may be the cruellest month… But September surely is the most sorrowful!
Especially for one my age, who has seen over four score autumns, and many a
fall on top of that…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So all of us need something to cheer us up… To get us through the
daily dejection… To battle the murky notions that beset us when the blissful season
gradually grinds to a halt and gives way to the dark days. And what better than
a plate of irresistible Comfort Food, to consume in our cosy kitchen, with the
shutters closed, and the wood fire crackling rhythmically and soothingly in the
fireplace, with that heavenly <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLlBOmDpn1s">Feuilles Mortes by my old buddy Yves Montand</a> on the turntable, and the bottle of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ginjinha</i> close at hand… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Today’s recipe will do the job better than most others I know of,
dear reader. It is a miracle dish, of which I first partook nearly half a
century ago, when good old Jenö Lakatos, a brilliant chef recently exiled from
Soviet-invaded Hungary, was stirring the pots and wielding the spoon in the gourmet
kitchen of the Fonda Rosalia (nowadays deservedly upgraded to the <a href="http://www.hotelcasarosalia.com/">Hotel Gastronómico Casa Rosalía</a>) up in the Galician village of Os Anxeles. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Rm0Bricqr8T0Fc3FCwLedUwRHHEJCZ7ij7bBnJVRu6ichi8kjb-G98J_ChITXCAxPLXAvZf4qd0n5U0M_IQZ8pEob119kGyTSLnr9pE4OBQhlmhXI2-_bPCLPEFfeGGs5taisJunmq0/s1600/Hotel+Rosalia+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Rm0Bricqr8T0Fc3FCwLedUwRHHEJCZ7ij7bBnJVRu6ichi8kjb-G98J_ChITXCAxPLXAvZf4qd0n5U0M_IQZ8pEob119kGyTSLnr9pE4OBQhlmhXI2-_bPCLPEFfeGGs5taisJunmq0/s1600/Hotel+Rosalia+3.jpg" height="217" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The exclusive dining room at the Hotel Rosalia</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-GB">Jenö, need it be said, was deeply depressed at having been forced
out of his native land by Russian tanks. Bitter were the tears he shed into his
incomparable <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gulash,</i> and his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Crêpes Suzette</i> invariably contained far
more flaming liquor than the fire department considered safe. But Jenö was also
a most philosophical cook, dear reader. He managed to turn his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Weltschmerz</i> into a virtue. Having read <a href="http://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosal%C3%ADa_de_Castro">the sad, sad story of Rosalia de Castro</a>, the tragic lady poet after whom the hotel where
he worked was called, he decided to create in her honour, and name after her, a
special Gallego dish, full of simple <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">joie
de vivre</i>, which will cheer up anyone who groans under his or her unmerited
karma. And being an outstanding linguist (you ought to have heard him speak
Finnish!) this dish turned out to be, not just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Haute Cuisine</i>, but also an outstanding case of kitchen <i>jeu-de-mots</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgokYc7yApk4XJ-2CTFirRsOcJaYaUud1rzfqJ5Ctafr31aJdc-FLRh0Fu99yeFv55SpMdN-nGMmOl7SDeEV4L9Y-cK0Df4fbotXIIPPWo2lsGFdmYOhpVmrBrF2Z2MxbdKWRa9g6BdL9s/s1600/Sole+Rosalia+Ja%CC%88no+at+Delmonico.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgokYc7yApk4XJ-2CTFirRsOcJaYaUud1rzfqJ5Ctafr31aJdc-FLRh0Fu99yeFv55SpMdN-nGMmOl7SDeEV4L9Y-cK0Df4fbotXIIPPWo2lsGFdmYOhpVmrBrF2Z2MxbdKWRa9g6BdL9s/s1600/Sole+Rosalia+Ja%CC%88no+at+Delmonico.jpg" height="248" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A rare photo of Jenö (far left) giving a master class at Delmonico's</td></tr>
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As he told me one evening in the hotel bar over his irresistible <i>Pálinka Leviathan Cocktail</i> (another of his literary creations, this time in memory of Joseph
Roth), finding himself faced with the challenge of creating an original dish
which gave <i>Sole</i>-ace and Con-<i>Sole</i>-ation to the needy, he struck on
the inspiration of cooking a particularly tender Dover Sole with a strongly soothing
sweetened sauce based on mustard, cream and honey. ‘And what else could I call
it, <i>kedves Alfred</i>, but <i>Sole Food Rosalia</i>?’ he asked, a smile
lingering on his rosy lips, before slipping into a faultless declamation of
some of the lady’s most heart-renting poetry… (Did I mention that his sense of
humor was as splendid as his linguistic genius?)</div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sole Food</i> it is for us
today, dear reader… For all ye who suffer, be it little or be it much… And only
need a shoulder to cry on… A pat on the back… And a bite that will lift up your
spirits!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: large;">Ingredients</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">1 Sole per person (cleaned, with the fins cut off, but the head left
on)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Wheat flour (mixed with salt if so desired)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Frying oil<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sweet butter (i.e. unsalted!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Half a medium sized onion, chopped<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">A spoonful of mustard seeds<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Unwhipped whipping cream<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Soup stock (a beef cube in water will do it)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Mustard (plain, but of good quality, not the plastic squeeze bottle
kind)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Honey or sugar<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Dille, chives and/or parsley (optional)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">NB I volunteer no quantities for most ingredients, since the amount
you need depends entirely on the number of soles you are planning to serve, and
how much of the marvellous mustard sauce you wish to make. Surely you can
figure all that out for yourself. The only rule to observe is that the sauce
needs an equal quantity of whipping cream and soup stock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: large;">The
sauce</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Now then, let us start with the easy bit: the sauce. In a reasonably
big and deep saucepan, fry the onions ever so slowly in the sweet butter. Toss
in the mustard seeds after a minute or so. Let them get hot enough to pop.
Lower the fire under the pan. Next, pour in the whipping cream and - while
stirring - put in an equal amount of soup stock. Once the sauce bubbles, stir
in the mustard (one teaspoon per sole ought to do it) and the honey or sugar
(about half a teaspoon per sole). Let this simmer on for a while, to give the
mustard the chance to thicken the sauce. Kill the fire, and set the pan aside
on top of a warm, but not hot spot. It may cool down a little while you fry the
fish, but should not get cold all the way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">You may put the dille, chives and / or fresh parsley into the sauce
together with the mustard and the honey, or – if you prefer – use the green
herbs sprinkled on top of the fish as garnish later on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: large;">The
fish</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Now for the hard part…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Find a clean, left-over plastic bag from the supermarket, and toss a
fair amount of wheat flour into it. Now pick up every sole in turn, drop it in
the bag, shake with conviction, take out the ‘flouwery’ fish, and put it aside
on a plate. You may wish to dry every sole with kitchen paper beforehand. It avoids
caking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Once done, heat the oil in a large, non-stick frying pan until it simmers (a piece of dry bread dropped into the oil will tell you if it's hot enough!) Carefully place the fish in the pan with the 'skinny' (dark) side down. Shake the pan a little to avoid sticking, then fry the fish for about 4 minutes.</span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB">O</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;">nce ready, carefully turn the
fish over any way you wish or know… Cook the other side for some 2 to 3 minutes
more (careful not to overdo it; it will disintegrate and turn dry of you do!
Ask me about it!) At the end of that time, turn off the fire, and make ready to
serve on the pre-heated plates.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-fareast-font-family: "MS 明朝"; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: large;">Serving</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And now for the hardest part of all… A moment I have looked forward
to with terror, and with shame…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">As all of you are aware, dear readers, Alfred B. Mittington is a
gourmet cook, but… Oh, dare I speak the horrid truth in this digital
confessional?? May I blindly trust that the secret so discreetly whispered will
be kept faithfully by my deeply beloved culinary confessors?? Okay… I must… So
here goes… The truth is, dear reader, that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">there
are some very very very rare things Alfred B. Mittington does not know how to
do</i>…!!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">There! I did it! Yes! It’s out! And now, before you have all
recovered your breath from your ghastly surprise, I hurry to explain which one
of them both is significant to the present context: Dear reader, I confess: I
am no good at <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">frying fish</i>…! It simply
does not agree with me. I guess in a former life I was some splendid food fish…
a giant Tilapia perhaps… or a choice Canadian salmon… and my karma makes sure
that whichever one my former family and in-laws I toss into hot oil, and try to
turn around sizzly and beautifully roasted, will come out monstrous, to remind
me of the horror of my deed…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Let me explain this the audiovisual way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">This is what a gorgeous freshly bought sole looks like before cooking:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnj_AWRDeSoTBUfm8zrxGKtWyeQ5JIyFWP-XtAD3LGHLQzgBylfsYmtEqAkJM1Exg8bcVL2usDa8BKVpJVuc42wdOFW3JlqeGiihprrjF6U0XDs08lPSL7j5-qWR2c5yw-PWdww-tJQ88/s1600/Sole+Rosalia+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnj_AWRDeSoTBUfm8zrxGKtWyeQ5JIyFWP-XtAD3LGHLQzgBylfsYmtEqAkJM1Exg8bcVL2usDa8BKVpJVuc42wdOFW3JlqeGiihprrjF6U0XDs08lPSL7j5-qWR2c5yw-PWdww-tJQ88/s1600/Sole+Rosalia+2.JPG" height="320" width="298" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
This is what it looks like when fried by a master:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And this is what it looks like when I fry it:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">If you get my meaning…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Good old Jenö was of course a Master of Masters, a Khan of the
Kitchen, a saint who fed the hungary, and so his fried soles slit out of the
pan like beautiful, shiny, crisp, appetising jewels. As a consequence, he could
permit himself to serve his gorgeously fried <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Solea Solea</i> on top of a generous splash of mustard sauce, making
his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sole Food Rosalia</i> not merely a
consolation to the palate, but also a comfort to the eye…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">I, on the other hand, humble worm that I am, must be mean, and
vulgar, and cowardly. A naked fish fried by myself does not inspire solace, but
merely abhorrence. So I turn the order aroundof serving, and if you, dear
reader, are as catastrophic as I am when it comes to frying fish, I can only
advice you to follow my lead, and improve the visual lure of your culinary creation
by being equally spineless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">So, here are my instructions for all you fellow mediocrities: Put the fried sole on a bed of lettuce. Pour a generous amount of
mustard sauce on top of it, until the sole is unrecognizable from above.
Garnish with a slice of lemon, some tomato, some green herbs if you like, and a
few fried potatoes. Serve this with pride, as you respectfully mumble one of
dear Rosalia’s more cheerful poems (good luck finding one in her <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.rosaliadecastro.com/">Obras Completas</a></i>!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-55241148039127885022014-06-28T16:32:00.000+02:002014-06-28T16:32:57.410+02:00Now I know why the West is going under… <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEzkZAZbOJa5VVWupLX1Zk2U7DUPw8ZD9qMFHitVgRq3_WKaWUbmbcHDLF-Jc3OEKlZ_di8xyuKWn6HRHqFludFhyOngv080fHAq-8Ur2d6WPc_bmZbCjrggFasXK3vtRlR5eW00vlIbQ/s1600/Spengler.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEzkZAZbOJa5VVWupLX1Zk2U7DUPw8ZD9qMFHitVgRq3_WKaWUbmbcHDLF-Jc3OEKlZ_di8xyuKWn6HRHqFludFhyOngv080fHAq-8Ur2d6WPc_bmZbCjrggFasXK3vtRlR5eW00vlIbQ/s1600/Spengler.jpg" height="400" width="237" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">This morning, dear reader, young Hannibal and fair Ivana stumbled
into my kitchen study in search of sanctuary from parental supervision, and as
I carefully put aside the brittle cuniform clay fragments of the Gilgamesh Epos
which I was translating for breakfast (they break things, these youngster, they
break things of invaluable worth…!), they settled down into the more
comfortable chairs at the kitchen table and opened their survival kits. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Both took out their tablets; Hannibal one of chocolate, his sister one
of Apple. They opened their priced possessions and went to work. I refrained
from looking at the boy (Hannibal chewing is one of the less pleasant sights this
universe offers), but I did shoot a passing glance at Ivana’s digital activities.
And as these new-fangled gadgets no longer have a top which blocks the outside view
(as the old, paleolithical ‘laptop’ at least still had) I could not help but
perceive what was on the screen. This what I saw:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLov92XYWUlMOdOM6WmcjEqQFG1gTC___v-jJ83BpSa8UYriibLU6MqdSa2TneDBtumsDDaR5BZ6cYzHhBvt68vA7-X56P0OHd824qsWHi5XZ416i5VuDqoNap0Sd1rehGCKkbjAcOYzE/s1600/Calculus+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLov92XYWUlMOdOM6WmcjEqQFG1gTC___v-jJ83BpSa8UYriibLU6MqdSa2TneDBtumsDDaR5BZ6cYzHhBvt68vA7-X56P0OHd824qsWHi5XZ416i5VuDqoNap0Sd1rehGCKkbjAcOYzE/s1600/Calculus+copy.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Now, ever since I helped my good old buddy Oswald with the
preliminary chapters of his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Untergang des
Abendlandes</i> (God, that man was a bad stylist! He would never have made it
to his persisting fame without my skilled editor’s help!) I have been a sucker
for numbers and mathematics in general. So you’ll understand, dear reader, that
this picture fascinated me immediately.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Dear girl, what in
the world is that?’ I asked the fair Ivana.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Facebook,’ she
answered with the unmistakable tone of ‘mind your own damn business old jerk’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘No, I mean the
numbers… Those numbers there…’ I said, pointing cautiously towards the picture
(for all I know these screens may explode on touch…)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Ah, thát. That’s a
stupid riddle some dork posted. Says most people will come up with the wrong answer.
But it’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">simple</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">comme bonjour</i>… A child could do it. Why: even an utter imbecile can
do it! You, Hannibal! Stop smearing chocolate all over them shards and
calculate this equation…!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Hannibal dropped my now totally illegible baked clay Gilgamesh,
hopped over to his sister’s spot, and studied the Facebook page for 30 seconds
over her shoulder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Why, that’s easy!’
he exclaimed triumphantly. ‘The outcome is 111,111!!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Oh you stupid
nerd!’ the fair Ivana exclaimed. ‘Can’t you do <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">anything</i> right? It’s 63, you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">moron
de la frontera</i>!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">I frowned, dear reader. I frowned like nobody frowned ever since
they told old Chris Columbus he had not landed in Japan but on the coast of Columbia…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Mind if I look at
that a moment?’ I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>‘Be my freaking guest,’
the fair Ivana spoke, and turned her tablet 180º towards me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Well, what shall I say, dear reader? Two immense <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oh Weh Erlebnisse</i> were mine in the
course of a mere ten seconds. The first was that neither Hannibal nor Ivana had
discovered the correct answer. That was small surprise, since they go to school
in Spain. But worse still: beneath the posted picture were <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">131 answers</b>, and not only did these answers vary incredibly and
astonishingly, but out of the 131 replies, the correct solution <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">GOT
ONLY 32 VOTES!!!</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">With which it came
in third!!!<o:p></o:p></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Would you believe it? Can it really be true…? I now understand, dear
reader, why the West is sinking. Why its 2,500 year culture is finally going
down the drain, swept into the sewers of oblivion by lousy education, Hollywood
morality, the Musical Industrial Complex and the tongue of Miley Cyrus… The
word ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mathematics’</i> has its origin in
the Greek for ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That which is learned</i>’.
And there’s the crux: it is learned no longer! Our digital young are almost
totally ignorant of even the barest numbers!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Bitter, bitter tears did I shed over lunch, dear reader, thinking of
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hochkultur</i> we inherited from
Imhotep, Pythagoras, Euclid, Archimedes, Brahmagupta, Khayyam, Galileo, Gauss,
Descartes, Schicklgruber, Newton, Leibnitz, Euler, Einstein, Gödel, Escher,
Bach and many, many more… And I am almost ready to throw in the towel and give
up my belief in Human Kind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">But perhaps you can help me, and save me, and solace a sad old man.
Perhaps you, my dearly beloved readers of taste, sophistication, maturity of
years and old-time education WILL score better than the Facebookies who
performed so dismally this morning? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">So here is the challenge I put to you: calculate the outcome of <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: x-large;">7 + 7 : 7 + 7 x 7 – 7</span><span style="font-size: 20pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">and post it below in the comments (preferably under your own honest
name). As soon as I have 25 answers, right or wrong, I will tally up the
outcome, and publish the correct solution, with its (simple simple simple)
explanation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And, just for your amusement, here is a summary of the answers I
found on Facebook:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB">0 – 1 – 7 – 14 – 47 – 49 – 50 – 54 – 56 - 91 - and
last but not least ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Albania’</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">One of which is actually correct. And one of which I found hilarious
(guess which?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Yours, MathemathicAl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-59414505120031361482014-06-10T17:03:00.002+02:002014-06-10T17:03:55.659+02:00Cookbook: Aioli Potatoes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeNPiO8BXbPzKSdr6_YlexmsbA1WKIvwgBqiuf_EmSAIgokEaec1LFQ-uyJDIBGYnEpxxgjzq0ChMFiZAgXDTE3N2O7e0EIPZBNrRNgyJjhxtowq5iIy4xAVMrWnAKqpZUc1hj8Cqe9eI/s1600/Garlic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeNPiO8BXbPzKSdr6_YlexmsbA1WKIvwgBqiuf_EmSAIgokEaec1LFQ-uyJDIBGYnEpxxgjzq0ChMFiZAgXDTE3N2O7e0EIPZBNrRNgyJjhxtowq5iIy4xAVMrWnAKqpZUc1hj8Cqe9eI/s1600/Garlic.jpg" height="320" width="193" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB">Impress Through
Simplicity</span></i></b><span lang="EN-GB"> and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Please Through Ease</i></b>! How
often have I told you, dear reader? The best way to triumph when throwing a dinner
party is by serving food easy to make, easy to preserve, easy to serve and easy
to take. And yes: that’s a deliberate rhyme! Wisdom, you see, ALWAYS rhymes; on
paper as well as in the kitchen!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Now how does
this timeless insight translate into your choice of dishes? Well, as you are
surely aware, most hosts and hostesses built their menu around the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">plat de resistance</i>, the roast, or fowl,
or stew or splendid platter of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fruits de
mer</i> which is meant to catch the eye of the guests and generate the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Ooohs</i> and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Aaahs</i> that every cook so deeply craves for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">That, however,
is the easy bit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">The real trouble
starts with the side dishes. An elaborate, decorative salad is still easily invented
or copied from a cookbook or a website. A worthy sauce is whipped up in a
matter of moments. But what about the starch? The stuff that fills the hollows
left in the ravenous stomachs when all those sophisticated frills and extras have
been consumed? There, most of us reach a horrid level of despondency and
despair. Pasta? Boiled potatoes? White rice? Oh, it is all so very <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">prosaic</i>…!! So bland. So tasteless. So
very much out of tune with your other efforts!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">You will want a
filling side dish with spunk. With phenomenal flavour. With character and
personality. And so I offer you today a marvellous option: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Al Mittington’s Aioli Potatoes</i>, tremendously easy to make, and – as
it must be served cold anyway – a little godsend for the hard-pressed
dinner-throwing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">chef</i> who has no time
to spare.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhztv3d7du7H7L7KJrLhnKM6-4cjQgUaorN1zhWyLhcr5vwD8AZsdg_Sp9KEiDcAl0JdWOEM3lzTzkEHFgNThTeTbQxTlyMS8XdLRjNf01E0uVUmhTC-hOUYoiHnMhH55XiGXRfjgzFIs0/s1600/IMG_4442.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhztv3d7du7H7L7KJrLhnKM6-4cjQgUaorN1zhWyLhcr5vwD8AZsdg_Sp9KEiDcAl0JdWOEM3lzTzkEHFgNThTeTbQxTlyMS8XdLRjNf01E0uVUmhTC-hOUYoiHnMhH55XiGXRfjgzFIs0/s1600/IMG_4442.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Some 6 hours
before dinner time, boil 1 large new fresh potato per guest, cut into slices as
thick as, say, your copy of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Death In
Venice</i>. Once done, put these potatoes into the recipient in which you plan
to serve them, and let them cool off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Chop an onion
into slices. Fry these, ever so slowly, in sweet butter in a frying pan. It is
essential that neither the butter nor the onions burn. Once the onions turn
glassy, toss in a teaspoon or two of sugar. Let it fry a fair while longer,
until the onions are perfectly limp and only a little brown. Now simply spoon
them on top of the potatoes, and let them cool as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Next make the
sauce (which is a simplified form of the world famous <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Aioli al-Fredo</i></b>, <a href="http://alfredmittington.blogspot.com.es/2012/03/cookbook-aioli-al-fredo.html">therecipe of which I revealed long ago</a>). For every potato you boiled, put a
generous tablespoon of quality Mayonnaise into a bowl. Peel and then crush half
a modest clove of garlic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">(<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">NOTE BENE</b>: The one and
only one rule to this recipe is: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">UNDERDO</i>
the garlic by all means. At least at first. You can always add garlic later if
you really think the sauce lacks strength. But raw garlic is the Big Bertha
among alliums; and – as they say – you can’t get the garlic paste out of the tubers
again…)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Add the crushed garlic
to the mayo. Add salt, some fresh white pepper, and a small spoonful of
mustard. Toss in a tablespoon of milk for every potato as well. Stir
diligently. If the sauce is very thick, add some more milk, but do not overdo
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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Once the
potatoes & onions are perfectly cold, spoon in the sauce, and stir until
the sauce covers every potato on every side. Chop – if available – some fresh
chives, or fresh parsley, or fresh dill. Sprinkle on top. Keep in the fridge
until it is time to serve dinner.</div>
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Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5430917408212835186.post-50416267948180645912014-05-26T12:41:00.001+02:002014-05-26T12:41:06.667+02:00Bravo Europeans !!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiICux_10ptYqZsr9nBR1pgn9cPRBDQf4VTSQKrde0J7vrlEcME2jBiNP1TDFf30L3QFpU9cTMuheCSDjbeIsUP866rf_S3Bwj5mZBdBVqhzI2LH-z8Ff1QxyMaL29JrisLfa49BhAKr9I/s1600/Revolt+of+the+Europeans.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiICux_10ptYqZsr9nBR1pgn9cPRBDQf4VTSQKrde0J7vrlEcME2jBiNP1TDFf30L3QFpU9cTMuheCSDjbeIsUP866rf_S3Bwj5mZBdBVqhzI2LH-z8Ff1QxyMaL29JrisLfa49BhAKr9I/s1600/Revolt+of+the+Europeans.png" height="273" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Yesterday the largest part of the European electorate voted… no, not
with their feet, but with their backsides! Out of disinterest or – as in my own
case – out of deliberate passivity in protest against the anti-democratic
nature of the EU, they decided to stay home. To vote in a democracy is a solemn
civic duty. But to vote for a sham parliament only legitimizes the robbery of
democratic rights, and hollows out the people’s political entitlement. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Participation in these 2014 Eulections was a miserable 43.1 %. This
was immediately pounded upon by the Europhile politicians and media as a
triumph. You see: participation is the last elections was lower. Much lower. A
full… 0.1 % ! Yes indeed! You astound reader, I am sure you do. The popularity
of the Union has risen vastly…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Of course, before we take this as a sign of growing EU-love, let’s
not forget that the number is a little inflated, since in various countries of
the Union (Belgium, Luxemburg and little Malta), the voter has no choice.
Voting is obligatory. Thus, 90 % of voters turned out in Belgium and Luxemburg,
where you get fined if you stay away. Of course these countries only contain
some 2 % of the European population, but it still means a distortion; therefore,
to take those 43.1 % as a reliable measure of Union patriotism is pretty
questionable. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Vintage Europhiles like Mr Verhofstadt and Mr Barroso were quick to
jump upon the rostrum to proclaim a Victory for the European Project. You see,
Euro-hostile parties had only scored about 225 out of 750-something seats in
the sham parliament, less than a third! And if you compared that with all the
other parties put together – never mind that it then contained such incompatible
bedfellows as conservatives, liberals, socialists and greens – the pro-European
vote was clearly overwhelming. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">It is – yet once again - quite an exercise in shamelessly staying blind
and deaf to what is really going on. After all, is there not reason to argue
that many of the near 60 % of abstainers are clearly lukewarm, if not straightforward
hostile, to this megalomaniac project? One reason to think so is that they
stayed home despite the most vehement campaigns to get them to come vote.
Another that, in the past, WHENEVER a proposal was put to them in referendum by
our Brussels Masters, the answer was inevitably a resounding NO. A rejection
which in all cases – France, the Netherlands, Ireland various times – was then
cheerfully ignored by the hollow men in power. The Project Must Go On… Some
democracy!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn9I6f3F8s5FxqVemndirrWDN6uRts_gHswAoG62tm3eeqT-SKFcExi0pJfU950tQzE9mj4fggX9E-XRhqGetCX_sEnSm_0-8EAf7suUoDFIS6dOJYckb9_FQdrW2WqebNtLWRDI4JGFM/s1600/Elections+May+2012.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn9I6f3F8s5FxqVemndirrWDN6uRts_gHswAoG62tm3eeqT-SKFcExi0pJfU950tQzE9mj4fggX9E-XRhqGetCX_sEnSm_0-8EAf7suUoDFIS6dOJYckb9_FQdrW2WqebNtLWRDI4JGFM/s1600/Elections+May+2012.png" height="274" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Meanwhile, across this disjointed Union of ours, weird, or roguish,
or extremist parties have not only grown substantially, but in various places
have simply <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">won the elections</i>,
becoming the first political force on the national scale. In France, the Front
National won with over 25 %. In Britain, the far more respectable Ukip took 30
%. In Greece, the radical left wing Syriza scored 26.5 %, apart from a scary 9
% for the SA-style Golden Dawn bunch… Much the same, if not as scary, took
place in Italy, in Austria, in Denmark, in Hungary, and in the Netherlands,
where Europhiles enthusiastically danced over the TV screen to the news that Mr
Wilders’ PVV had ‘only’ scored 4 seats and 13 % of the vote; the party had been
expected to win 5 seats and 20 %. Some Victory! King Pyrrhus could not have
improved upon Europhile performance!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Oh, it is such a pleasure to see such parties back in the European
political landscape again, after an unbearable absence of near 70 years! We
have missed them so badly, yearned so deeply for their crackpot racial
theories, their love of Leaders, their slash, burn and strip economics and
their ‘solutions’ to the problems caused by crime! Let us all rejoice that we may
soon see easy answers to complicated problems again, clad in uniforms and
boots, holding rallies and razzias, burning books and smashing shop windows...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">But to whom do we really owe their rise, dear readers? To the evil
intentions and the stupidity of the voters? You must be a true democrat if you
believe that… ‘The electorate is always right,’ I hear you mumble, ‘as long as
they vote the way I want them to…’ The attitude makes one think of a T-Ford in
another colour than black…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge4SOhI9gXnrXsClAkkYJd9VuwgSuDX8MC1Xa4F7IL4YplrqPUWrJII87i9k4j27dL7fpMwjjCDtMvMXK_bPWWNpD4E-YaAiFAxp5YAThbEud4TUxAKpyI0kw8YVU64ZGSFjCi1zNuGqs/s1600/Weimar+Parliament.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge4SOhI9gXnrXsClAkkYJd9VuwgSuDX8MC1Xa4F7IL4YplrqPUWrJII87i9k4j27dL7fpMwjjCDtMvMXK_bPWWNpD4E-YaAiFAxp5YAThbEud4TUxAKpyI0kw8YVU64ZGSFjCi1zNuGqs/s1600/Weimar+Parliament.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Eurochamber's predecessor: the Weimar Parliament</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Let me try to explain it one more time. We owe the rise of
suspicious movements to the boundless arrogance of the respectable political parties.
All of these, of all political convictions, left, centre and right, are blindly
pro-EU and want an ever closer Union, with ever more powers, ever more money,
and ever more countries. However: an overwhelming part of the European
populations wants a stop to this tendency. They want the EU to be pulled to a
halt. They want no more steps towards a Federal Europe, less power to Brussels,
less money to its institutions, and no more new countries for a long long while
(no Ukraine, no Turkey, no Tunesia or Morocco).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And now comes the crux of the matter: if you wish to vote against
the automatic Ever More Europe, whom do you vote for? All the respectable
parties want more of it. That leaves… Well, you guessed it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-size: x-large;">If you wish to get rid of the fascists, then heed the wishes of the people,
you oafs!</span><o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sadly, the European leadership in Brussels, and their elected
lackeys in the various capitals, have already given unmistakable signs that
they will not heed these things. That they will not listen, will once again
ignore the message, will go forward with what they tell themselves is good for
the people in spite of the people. They also are great democrats…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-justify: inter-ideograph;">
<span lang="EN-GB">And how do you think the electorate is going to react to that??
Different, right? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">Oh, yes: we are living in Interesting Times. Brace yourselves, dear readers.
We ain’t seen nothing yet…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
Alfred B. Mittingtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09408858308842184986noreply@blogger.com5