Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Of eggs and fruitcakes, a kitchen trick

            ‘Hannibal, what the F… did you do to that harmless egg?’ I asked in astonishment as I opened the lid of the pantry reed basket and beheld an egg which, for all I could tell, had unsuccessfully tried to commit hara-kiri.
            ‘I was making an omelette, Dedushka,’ the little guttersnipe spoke as if this were not an obvious occasion for shame, embarrassment and humble prostration. ‘So I broke two eggs in the bowl, and then I tried to break the third… But it was boiled. Hard boiled!’
            ‘Of course it was boiled, you oaf! Easter is just behind us. This one was left over from your dismal attempt to paint the Sistine Chapel on a round chalk surface!’
            ‘How was I to know? A boiled egg looks just the same as an un-boiled egg!’
            ‘No, it doesn’t! There is no gloss on a egg that’s been boiled!’
            ‘What’s a gloss? I’m only in 4th grade. We don’t get agronomical engineering until 6th grade.’
            ‘Oh, for crying out loud. What a bunch of useless undereducated Facebookies you young folks are! You mean to tell me you don’t know how to tell a boiled egg from a raw one?’
            ‘In the absence of a Gloss I have no idea,’ the nincompoop spoke with unabashed self-confidence.
            ‘Amazing… How will you jackanapes ever eat once the European Union forbids fast food on the whole continent? You couldn’t so much as boil water the correct way! Here, hand me an egg. One with gloss. And don’t drop it on my immaculately clean kitchen floor! Okay. Now watch and learn. You put the raw egg on a flat surface, and you twist it. And this is how it turns…’

            ‘Nothing doing, right? The thing won’t even turn twice around its lateral axis. Now give me that Nipponese egg you mistreated so badly. We try to do the same to that one, and look what happens…’

             ‘Beautiful spin, ain’t it? That’s how you tell a boiled egg from a raw one when in doubt. Simple comme bonjours.’
            ‘What a neat trick, Dedushka! The things you know! And it comes in so handy, too. You see: that omelette I made came out completely slurry because I fried it to little. Next time I know how to figure out if it’s done. I just take the frying pan and I give it a twist and if it really spins the tortilla is done! What a find!’
            ‘Oh cruel Gods in Heaven… Why do you punish me so horribly…!!!’

NOTA BENE: It turns out that the two videos posted above do not, well, turn well. To see a smoother version, kindly visit the Facebook page of my dear friend young Mr Missler, at

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