Balonews nº 1: Bondage!

No, dear reader, I cannot refrain. Yes, I already knew that people are silly. Indeed: I was aware that they are not half as smart and sophisticated as they always pretend to be. But my oh my: I did not know they were THIS simple, THIS superficial and – let it be said outright – THIS incredibly idiotic!

Kindly take a deep breath, then take cognizance of the following most ludicrous news item.

Due to the success of the erotic trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey – which apparently describes ad nauseam the adventures of some bored and boring SM-couple from suburbia – the inhabitants of London are now experimenting with their sexuality. It seems that their ordinary libido was never strong enough to inspire them to move into the direction of more kinky activities. But turned on by this second-hand, third-class, much diluted Marquis de Sade fantasy scribbling they really got going in the bunga bunga mode (and we still wonder why the English do not enjoy a reputation for being irresistible studs…)

And what is the result? The London Fire Department has just released a detailed list of what sort of emergencies they’ve been called upon to solve over the last few months. It turns out that since 2010, ever more people have to be liberated from the handcuffs with which they are locked to pieces of common furniture. Last year no fewer than 79 found themselves shackled - I must suppose in a state of extreme undress – to microwave ovens, bedside tables, flat screen television sets and overhead fans running at full speed… Without a clue where the keys might be…

That aside, the fire brigade was called upon 500 times (!!!!!!) to free people from tight rings around their fingers (marriage rings, we suppose?), 9 people with such a ring around their virile members (a very large ring around a very small organ, we hope?) and one fellow who got stuck with his dick in a toaster oven!!!

For the benefit of certain Liverputians
who do not know what a toaster oven is...

Oh dear oh dear oh dear… Où sont les good old bouteilles de lait d'antan, I wonder…? Not to mention the vacuum cleaners…

The fire department says it published this list ‘to warn people to be more cautious’. Unfortunately they did not (yet) decide to add audio-visual aids to their warnings, by publishing their pictural findings on YouTube and other social sites. Is it not high time, I ask, that we caution the public for the Considerable Dangers of Reading and the Risks involved in ‘Literature’ by showing them all the ridiculous, ludicrous, laughable, hilarious and ‘stimulating’ footage that Mr Cameron’s Porno-filter will soon not allow us to see no more??