Sunday, 2 March 2014


The Bitcoin is dead, dear reader! Now that Mt. Gox – the world’s biggest bitcoin broker - has filed for bankruptcy in a Tokyo court, no fewer than 750 million of the precious Digital Coins have simply… vanished! Evaporated. Gone up in thin air. The way of All Flesh. Based on last Monday’s market value, that disappearance represents some 350 billion US dollars!

Naturally utter panic is sweeping like a pecuniary tsunami over the globe as the remaining bitcoin markets open with the pertinent time zone. Simply EVERYBODY wants to get rid of their holdings today. SO YOU MUST TOO, dear reader, for the value will plummet like the piggybank that – strangely – turned out unable to fly on the day that pigs did…!

And who’s surprised, I ask? For the bitcoin was nothing but the wet dream of some wizzkids who managed to whip up a mirage in a parallel reality more apt to a Matrix movie than to solid patrimony! It was regulated by no Central Bank of anywhere. It was based on no functioning economy, had no GNP to back it up, could not draw on any gold reserves and was guaranteed only by buzzling mainframes chatting amiably to one another, and passing off the hollow noise they produced for something tangible! Fried air had more body in comparison!


But Alfred, I hear you ask… Alfred, where will I go with the proceeds? I cannot put my hard earned cash into a savings account that pays me only 1 % interest, while inflation stands at 2,5 %, can I?

Scientifically designed FatFred

No, dear reader, of course you cannot. But Alfred B Mittington will not let you down. Happily,  I am in the position of offering the select and exclusive group of my regular readers a painless way out of their dilemma. I introduce to you today the FatFred, a brand new, secure and infallible digital currency, independent of all government manipulation, whose exchange rate value will be determined by the old, time-proven market mechanism of supply and demand, but which will be strictly regulated by the indubitable and unshakable principles of Alfred B. Mittington’s moral code.

To partake of this guaranteed future bonanza you merely have to wire over any small sum you fancy – say 1,000 or 2,500 €uros – to the bank account IBAN NI04 ABM 0209 048 73 to the name of FatFredInc Lmt, Lagos, Nigeria.

The system of sales and of rates is remarkably simple. Every working week, Alfred B. Mittington Corp (Cayman Isl.) will put onto the market 1,000 new FatFreds. The value of each of these units is automatically generated by the pecuniary demand in a strictly mathematical manner. Or to put it in simple terms which all of us may understand: if all the week’s customers together wired over 20,000 Euros, each FatFred assigned will have a value of 20 euros. Thus, if you yourself have contributed 4,000 euros, 200 Fatfreds will be assigned to you by digital communication (of which you later receive, by ordinary mail, a legally valid certificate). These you are then at liberty to sell again to any client of your own. Since the FatFred is guaranteed to rise in value, and sure to keep rising in value, you should have no trouble finding customers when necessary. And if for some funny, unforeseen reason outside the influence the Mittington Corp, there happens to occur a slight dip in the ratings, all you need to do to fix it, is to apply for a new portfolio of FatFreds with a substantial sum, so that next week’s ratings will rise again. Thus you will be master of your own financial destiny!

It speaks for itself that the FatFred will be backed and fully guaranteed by the total accumulated assets of AlMitt SA (reg. nr. B450034ABM23a at Curaçao Investment Bank, Curaçoa), and its various subsidiaries (a full list of which may be consulted, on application, on our limited website); while the administration and legal handling will be impeccably executed by Baldrick Accountancy, Postbox 10056, St Peter’s Port, Gurnsey. 

This week’s subscription closes on March 7th (i.e. next Friday). So do not tarry, dear reader. Sell your Bitcoins in a jiffy, invest your savings in the dependable FatFred digital currency, and Create Wealth!!


  1. But who will buy those bitcoins now that its value is plummeting Mr. Mittington? SOMEONE is sitting with 350 billion in their backpocket. Or perhaps a few someones.

    I never trust anything that isn't tangible... especially when it comes to money. Too many conmen, not enough cash to keep them afloat.


  2. Well, you can always sell them to Mittington Amalgamated GmbH (a trustworthy Swiss firm of my acquaintance); but I must warn you that - due to prospects of the Fallen Currency - it is unlikely that that company will pay more than 1 Swiss Frank to the Bitcoin.

    Please note, by the by, that you do not NEED to sell BitCoins first before investing your savings in FatFreds.

    Yours, ABM

  3. I can't think of anything less tangible than the assets of this Portugal-based scoundrel, Mr Mittington. My advice is that people steer well clear of him and is get-rich-myself schemes.

  4. It's me! I have a remarkably large back pocket wiv (sic) 350 billion innit! I also supply the finest raiments to emperors! Step this way, guv.