Tuesday, 27 March 2012

The Book of Burning Questions (3)

Ah, fickle, fickle reader! You prove true my most outrageous prejudices against this wayward age! Here I have worked my fingers to the bone on the keyboard, like some Casablanca pianist forever asked to Play It Again… Here I offered you some of the choicest, most delicate humour; some of the deepest, most educated insights; some of the very most elegant exposés written since Mark Twain departed from this sorry world… And did you honour them with your attention? Did you?


Of the 50 posts I published these last eight weeks, you chose to visit the shortest and the silliest most often! The truest and profoundest the fewest times! Yesterday, to my intense horror, the list of articles most frequently seen on my blog was headed by the Book of Burning Questions 1, followed by the Book of Burning Questions 2. Do you not grasp, you Bambi-brained reader (I no longer call you Deer!) that these bits are but cheap trash? Okay… brilliant cheap trash, naturally… They come from the pen of Alfred B. Mittington, after all… But trivia still, gobbledygook, froth, fluaria?

Be it so, reader! Have it your way! You buttered your bread, now lie in it! If trivia is what you want, then trivia I will give you. But do not come complaining to me when the Euro implodes and you failed to convert your savings into diamonds! Do not blame me if one day the International Confederation of Non-Smoking Nerds enter your house and tell you that you are not allowed to eat Mayonnaise or neck your wife in any other than the missionary position. Do not start crying for your Alfred, when in a not too distant future uppity teenage girlies, armed with semi-automatic iPolPots, turn out to call the shots and you’re the target!

You COULD have known. But you preferred to read happy balderdash, such as the following Cool Answers to these three Burning Questions:

Q: Is there intelligent life elsewhere in the Universe?
A: The real question is whether there is intelligent life in the Universe at all; and seeing your inquiry, I doubt it.

Q: Is man an animal?
A: No. If only…

Q: What is Woman’s rightful position?
A: On her knees. At least, that’s how everybody wants her: the Church so that she prays; family-fathers so that she scrubs the floor; men of all ages to do it doggy style; and feminists so that she may be their Lofty Cause. 

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