I must say this year’s primaries for the US presidential elections are just about the dullest that I ever saw. More sparks flew around during that utterly boring mud fight between Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford! On the Democratic side Barak Obama will slither smoothly into the nomination. In the Republican camp, we get to chose between ultra-conservative, extra-conservative, super conservative and utterly conservative. He who says the most awful things about women and ayatollas will gain the nomination, and then lose miserably to the Sitting Du--.. I mean: the Sitting President… Some contest! A ten mile turtle race is more exiting!
So let’s put some pepper into the affair, with Alfred B. Mittington’s Real and Fictitious Quotations of American Presidents and their Entourage! It’s up to you, dear reader, to figure out which of these are true and which ones I made up… Oh, and youngsters under 50 need not read on. You’ll never get a single one of them even if you try!
Alfred B. Mittington´s Hilarious Résumé
Real and Fictitious Quotations
of American Presidents and their Entourage
George Washington (age 6 in the orchard): I can’t tell an untruth, Pa; but that cherry tree is lying ever since I chopped it down with my little hatchet!
Abraham Lincoln (early draft of the Gettysburg Address): ‘So that this world be not deprived, my fellow Americans, of a government of yours, by yours and up yours.’
FDR: The only thing we have to fear I dare not tell you!
Harry Truman: Thanksgiving’s for roast turkey, the 4th of July for barbecues, and August 6th is for frying.
Dwight D. Eisenhower: My shrink says I suffer from a Military Industrial Complex.
John F. Kennedy: Ich bin ein Big Mac
Richard Nixon: I am not a crook!
Henry Kissinger to Mao tse Tung: Do you have many elections?
Mao tse Tung to Henry Kissinger: No, only one evely molning.
Robert Borke (pliable Special Prosecutor in Watergate case): The real question is ‘What did the President ignore, and when did he forget it?’
Jimmy Carter: What Billy got paid was peanuts!
Ronald Reagan: We bomb in 5 minutes!
Nancy Reagan: Just say NO!
George Bush sr.: Read my lips!
Dan Quayle: And one plus too?
Dan Quayle: So this is where the bullets come out? Can’t see a thing in there. Is this the light-switch?
Bill Clinton: Yes, but I didn´t inhale.
Monica Lewinski: Yes, but I didn´t swallow.
All Gore: Now, I may be the vice-president, but I have no vices; while Clinton, who is the virtual president….
Hillary Rodham-Clinton (to Bill’s new secretary): Just say NO!
George W. Bush: The death penalty saves lives.
Dick Cheney: Vice? Drop the Vice! Who do you think´s running this circus?
Former AA sponsor of George W. : Good Bush needs no wine.
Barack Obama: The first thing I’ll do is close Guantanamo…
Speaking of whom, there’s a question which keeps nagging me: if Barack Obama had been elected president of Kenya, would they have hailed him as the country’s first white president? I’m asking because Hannibal, who is Ethiopian and had a mouth on him even as a child, asked me when he first saw Obama on the tube: ‘But Dedushka, what’s that whitey doing in the Oval Office?’
All things ARE relative, I suppose…