Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Open Letter to the Irish Electorate

Aldeia Viriato, 28 of May, 2012.

Hail Ye Sons and Daughters of the Emerald Isle! Hail!

Although all citizens of the European Union are of course equal, some Europeans obviously are more equal than other Europeans (needless to add that our Brussels Masters consider all of us to be pigs). You, of all the citizens of our continent, are the only ones who – in these coming days - get to vote in referendum on that splendid new Austerity Pact which the EU wishes to impose upon our sovereign nations so as to save its Divine single currency and its unlimited despotic sway.

How you cunning devils ever wrung that concession from the implacable Eurogues I do not know. I suppose there was a lot of free whiskey involved, and perhaps some willing carnal favours by red-haired beauties who sacrificed themselves and their virtue for the national cause… But however that may be: the astonishing fact stands, and it opens the prospects of some funny farce and vaudeville.

Let there be no misunderstanding, my most beloved sons and daughters of Eire: we all know that no matter what you vote, this Austerity Pact is going to be imposed. The best you may do is to gain the right to vote again, and again, and again, until the Correct Democratic Answer has been returned, just as happened on various previous occasions. And yet it would be a pity to forego the opportunity of seeing the Brussels vaudevillains wriggle in despair!  

Therefore please vote NO in the coming referendum, so that we may all witness – between here and Bloomsday – the amusing spectacle of their rapid turn-abouts, the instant Presidential Decree Making, the panicky excuses and warped logic which the Beurocrats and their well-paid retainers will toss into the media so as to Destroy, in the name of Stability and Prosperity and Peace, the last vestiges of Democracy! Make the Truth visible! Force them to show their dirty hands! The whole of Europe is counting on you!

Most respectfully yours,

Alfred B. Mittington (author of ‘MontesquiEU in County Mayo?’, Rebelpress Unltd: Ballyhaunis 1993)


  1. I bought your book thinking it was about Ireland - or a part of it at least. But it turned out to be about some Frog's love of some up-its-arse sauce!

    I want my money back!

  2. That's ANOTHER book, you silly dunce. My bestseller 'Voyage to Mayo' is about the Golden Sauce. My 'MontesquiEU' about the way Brussels treats Ireland in a - your words, not mine! - Up The Arse manner.
    So go back to the bookshop (if you know what that is), talk to the salesgirl (if you know how to talk to women), return the book you have (if it is not full of fish & chips stains) and ask het to give you the one you so ardently wish to read... But on second thoughts: if you are unable to decipher the title correctly, what would an illiterate baboon like yourself do with an entire book full of long, difficult words?

    Alfred 'Miserly Midas' Mittington (NO REFUNDS!)

  3. She wasn't called 'het'. And the least you could do is capitalise her name.

    It's too late to return the book as its pages have come in handy - very handy - for a use that cares not whether they're prior-stained with fish and chip grease.

    IMHO - there's far too much sauce altogether in your posts, literally and figuratively.

    But, hey, it's a free world.

  4. I have no doubt that you are one of those infallible folk who never make a spelling mistake - which says more about your toilet training than I ever wished to know. As does your fantasy about the ultimate use to be made of printed pages you do not understand or appreciate.

    And as for Too Much Sauce either in literature or life... please don't make me laugh! Remember you do not need to read my blog or my books. If you do not like it, just turn away and go back to the Hustler Channel that you came from.

    I can sail my readers to the sauceboat but I cannot make them think. If you get my meaning...

    Al Mittington